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Sunday, December 26, 2010

Christmas with the families

So we've had an eventful time since the last time I posted.  I posted last Saturday and said how we had the internment for Dad that day.  Later that night, my mom took my sister to the hospital.  She had been sick the whole day.  She couldn't keep anything down.  When they got to the ER, they admitted her.  Turns out after a lot of tests, she was bleeding internally and had really bad Colitis (inflammation and irritation of the colon).  After being in the hospital for about 5 days, she was released on Thursday afternoon.  She was released with strick instructions to stay on a bland diet and drink a lot of fluids.  So thank goodness she's ok.  I can only imagine the stress that my mom has been under these last few weeks.  She needs some time to rest and recoup herself.  Hopefully nothing else happens. 

To make the holiday even better, my truck is in the shop again...  This time with multiple issues.  But the shop is being proactive and found a few other things that are wrong or would cause issues in a few months.  So instead of having it for just a day, they were going to have it for almost a week.  So under our warranty/service plan, if they have my truck for a long period of time we get a rental car.  So they made us drive up to the local Enterprise by the shop instead of being able to get the rental from one by us.  When I got there, mind you I drive an SUV, they had a Hyundai Accent for me.  I decided since it was just going to be a few days and all, I wouldn't argue with them about it.  So after I got the car, I was running errands and realized this car has no power anything... No power windows, no power locks, nothing.  Then to make things better when I was driving home the check engine light came on.  So I was livid.  Then come to find out when I called the 24 hour number for Enterprise today, I was on hold for about 35 minutes before I just gave up and decided I'd call tomorrow.  I'm going to tell them to come get the car.  I'm not driving it with the check engine light on.  And they're going to hear how I think it's not right that I was given such a small car after having my truck, and how I didn't even get comparable amenities in the vehicle.  I know that may be more on the shop than the rental agency. 

So every year we go to each of the families on each holiday.  For Thanksgiving this means going to each family's house for dinner.  Luckily the dinners are at different times so we can usually make both.  Christmas is a little trickier though.  Christmas Eve my family doesn't do anything, Hubby's family does.  So we end up there on Christmas Eve since his Aunt & Uncle and cousins are all there.  Then we usually come back home that night (an hour drive without traffic).  We have Christmas morning here, then go back up to Hubby's other grandmother's house for a lunch/dinner, and then we go to my parents house later in the evening for dinner.  It's a lot of eating, but we can usually manage. 

This year, we did Christmas Eve at Hubby's family's house.  It was a good time, for the most part.  His family has been in a mini-civil war that everyone tries to pretend isn't happening around the holidays so the kids have a good time.  Despite that, it was a lot better than we expected.  No fights, no flipping outs, well, the kids did when they opened their gifts, but that's good.  Then we decided to stay up there, but at my parent's house.  There was a storm that was supposed to come through, and we didn't want to drive that much this year if we could help it.  So we slept on my sister's bed.  Don't get me wrong, I love my family for putting us up, but man her bed is hard!  But Christmas morning was good with my family.  Then Hubby's grandma had moved dinner to later, and my family had moved their dinner earlier, so we went to his dinner this year, and not mine.  Which wasn't an issue.  It just meant less running around for us.  I felt horrible by the time it was all said and done.  I have a sore throat and my nose is constantly congested.  I've been congested since day 1, but the sore throat started on Christmas morning.  So that's been fun.  Today it felt even worse!  I've been sucking on peppermint, drinking hot tea with honey... it helps a little, but it's not going away yet.  :(

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Wow, possibly the hardest two weeks of my life...

So as some of you know, I posted that my dad passed away last Wednesday.  Being pregnant and dealing with that was harder than I could have every imagined.  I mean, dealing with losing a family member is hard enough, but knowing how much my dad wanted a grandbaby, and how happy he would have been to be here to see it.... Then add morning sickness, fatigue, hormones and trying to hide all this from my family and be strong for them, I really don't know how I made it through.  On Friday we got good news, as I said in the last post, we saw and heard our little one's heartbeat.  The tech told us everything looked good.  So that was awesome.  Monday was the viewing and funeral.  That was really hard.... I think the last count my mom had from the guest book thing, was about 260 people showed up.  It was absolutely amazing and humbling to know my dad touched so many lives.  Today though, had to be the hardest day of my life so far.  My dad was cremated, so we didn't have an internment after the services.  We did that today.  Realizing all that was left of my Dad was in a small box that we were burying, was almost too much.  But I made it through.  I don't know... even seeing him in the casket at the funeral, I was ok... but today was just such finality or something... I can't really explain it, but I think everyone will know what I mean. 

And now onto my issues that seem so trivia now compared to what I've gone through this week.  I had to start using vaginal suppositories on Monday.  They are horrible... I have to use 2 a day, one when I get up in the morning and one before bed.  They suck... big time.... So much discharge! I literally feel like someone has installed a faucet in my vagina and turned it on full blast.  Ugh!  So annoying!  I'm half tempted to ask the doctor if I can just do the injections.  I don't even like needles, but I think that would be better than this!  I feel like I need to not leave the house for at least 3 hours after I use the one in the morning, then I'm uncomfortable for a few hours after I use the one at night.... So nasty! 

And now I'm so tired, that I think I may sleep until Monday morning... And at this point, that may not even be enough sleep. 

Friday, December 10, 2010

Finally some good news!

I had my ultrasound today.  We got to see the heartbeat on the abdominal ultrasound and internal.  It was 150 which is perfect according to the ultrasound tech.  We also found out my EDD has changed.  It's now a day earlier.  So I measured 7w5d instead of 7w4d.  LOL  I know, first kid, they're going to be late anyway!  But I'm just so happy that my little one is ok!  I really needed to hear that!  Lets me know all these symptoms I've been having were cuz of my little bean, not just the meds I've been on!  I say bean instead of peanut, because the baby looks more like that on the ultrasound.  Haha, like a little cashew or lima bean.  LOL. 

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Sad news...

My father lost his battle with pancreatic cancer yesterday morning, December 8, 2010.  He passed away in his sleep.  I'm just trying to take solice that he isn't in pain anymore.  He was a hell of a man, and I'm really upset that he isn't with us anymore.  Especially that my child will never have the chance to meet their grandfather.  I grew up not knowing my father's father.  I was really hoping my child wouldn't have to grow up with only one grandpa. 

I have my first ultrasound tomorrow.  I'm so nervous.  I'm really hoping everything is ok.  My family couldn't handle another blow, and I don't even know how I'd handle it.  I'll post on here tomorrow after my ultrasound.  Hopefully my next post will be good news.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

7 weeks down, 33 to go

So I'm in my eigth week.  My little peanut is in between the size of a blueberry and a rasberry.  I had pretty bad morning sickness these past week or so.  Right at 6 weeks, it hit hard.  I got Sea Bands and have worn them non-stop for the whole week.  I am trying not to wear them today.  I want to see if it's still bad or if it's tapered off.  So far so good.  But I can feel myself needing to get something else to eat. 

I have my first ultrasound on Friday.  I'm really really hoping everything is ok.  I'm just so nervous.

My father has been doing worse.  I was up to see him this past weekend and he's jaundiced.  Which is one of the first signs of the end.  His liver is really failing now.  I wonder if he's going to make it through Christmas sometimes. 

My sister called my last night and told me a restaurant in our home town is going to do a benefit day for Dad.  They heard how Mom was stressing out about Medical bills and all.  They said they'll donate 15% of the proceeds from one day to my Mom and Dad to help with the bills.  I was floored.  My sis was supposed to tell Mom last night, I haven't talked to them since then, so I'm wondering how Mom took it. 

Sunday, November 28, 2010

6 weeks... wow

I know everyone says that pregnancy should be savored because it goes so fast, but this just seems to be dragging! LOL. 

I have to call my midwife's office in the morning and confirm that they want me to go this week to have the ultrasound done.  I'll only be 6w2d on Tuesday when my appointment is.  I was told to make the appointment for my 8th week, but they (the receptionist) told me to make it for the week of December 2nd.  Tuesday was the only day I could really do it.  So I'm going to see if they just want me to go because I have it scheduled or if they want me to make it for next week or the week after sometime.  I'm really hoping they say just go.  I want to have it to maybe see what's going on.  I've heard a lot of people have been able to see and sometimes hear the heartbeat at 6w or a little more.  I'm just really hoping they tell me to go.  But at the same time, I don't want to go and them not be able to see anything, then have to spend a week worrying to see if everything is ok.  But the ultrasound place let me make the appointment too.  Last time the u/s place wouldn't let me make the appt until they thought they'd be able to see something viable.  Guess I'll find out first thing tomorrow morning!

Saturday, November 27, 2010

A few more days till u/s

I have just 3 more days until the ultrasound.  Hubby told me today that he doesn't want to go with me.  He's scared something will be wrong again if he goes.  I know how hard it will be for him, but it is just as hard for me.  I need him there with me.  I'm so excited to get this u/s done, and so nervous at the same time. 

I cannot believe how tired I have been.  It's been weird, I haven't really been sick, but I get very nauseous.  It's like the feeling where you feel like you're going to puke, but you just don't.  That's where I've been a few times now.  I'm not sure if it's really morning sickness or if it's a side effect from the meds.  Obviously I'm hoping it's the real deal.  Only have to wait a few more days to see.

We told Hubby's parents that we're expecting.  They were really excited for us.  So now the cat's out of the bag... My mom has posted it on her blog, so I'm sure it'll be all over facebook here soon.  Not that I really want it to be, but I'm sure it will.

Other than that, I stayed at my parents house for the last week or so.  From Tuesday to today.  I was trying to help out My mom.  I stayed with my dad so she could go to work.  She's worried about how to keep her job and take care of my dad.  We have an awesome support group of friends and family, so I'm sure we won't have a problem finding people who are willing to help.  So I told my mom that I'll have to work around my work schedule and my doctor's appts, but I'll be back up to help.  Dad has been having good days and bad days.  Since Hospice brought in a hospital bed and all, I think he has been sleeping better. 

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Bad week

As far as I know, everything is ok with the pregnancy. 

The thing that made this week bad, my dad went into the hospital on Tuesday.  He was vomitting and really dehydrated.  If you haven't read all my posts, my dad has end stange Pancreatic Cancer.  After about 24-36 hours of worrying and we got the results of his CT scan.  His liver is failing.  The cancer has progressed and because his liver is failing, they can't do chemo anymore.  So there is nothing more we can do but make him comfortable.  We had a hospice nurse come and talk with us.  I broke down crying and told my parents that I was pregnant.  They were both really happy.  But you could see it in my Dad's face after a minute that he realized he may not be here to see his grandbaby. 

But on the good side, he's coming home today.  I can't seem to stop crying.  It takes almost all my energy to keep my mind off of what's going on.  And now my pregnancy is completely bittersweet.  I'm so happy that I'm pregnant and we're starting our family.  But I really didn't want to have to tell my child about their grandfather.  I grew up that way, and I feel like I missed out knowing a wonderful man.  I know if my child doesn't get to meet my dad and remember him, they'll be robbed of the opportunity to know one of the most amazing men I've ever had in my life.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Week 5 Starts with a Bang

So I got my numbers back from my blood work today.  My HcG level was 204, which is within normal range for 4 weeks.  From what I've read online, it should be between 5-400.  My midwife did think my Progesterone levels were dangerously low though.  So I am now on 100mg of Prometrium (a synthetic progesterone) three times a day.  I have to be on this until 8 weeks, then I have to take it as a vaginal suppository.  I need to double check with them how many times a day I need to do that part.  The suppositories I'll have to do until 13 weeks.  So I'm on this regimen until at least January 11, 2011. 

Other than that, I feel ok.  I had some cramping and I've had some spotting, but nothing that I'm really worrying about.  Literally all brown spotting.  I haven't really had any nausea or anything.  I have been getting some pretty bad headaches though.  I had one yesterday and one today.  I think they are either sinus or caffeine related.  Neither is really good because I can't do much about them.  Sinus headache, I can use steam/humidifier... For the caffeine thing, I just have to deal with it while I try to lower my caffeine intake.  I can take Tylenol, but I don't want to take much if I can help it. 

I go for another blood test tomorrow.  Hopefully the results will be good.  I need my HcG to be at least 408 (hopefully it's more than that) and I am hoping my progesterone level at least doesn't drop.  I think I'm going to take 4 pills before my test tomorrow.  So I'm just hoping and praying that it all comes back at least ok. 

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Updates from the fourth week

So tomorrow I will be exactly 4w pregnant.  I am calling my midwife on Monday morning to get my confirmation bloodwork done too.  I feel pretty good about everything. 

I had a little spotting yesterday morning and it completely derailed me.  I was so distracted all day.  I was at the mall with some friends.  I know they think something's wrong with me.  I just couldn't focus on anything except if I was still spotting.  It was so hard too.  These two chicas have been around through everything.  I've known them both since elementary school and we really became friends in middle/high school.  So we're really close.  It took a lot of control not to just blurt out to them what was going on.  Especially after we ate lunch and the one friend said, "I think Anna has a food baby."  The only thing going through my head was, It's more than a food baby.... LOL.  I am going to tell one of them this weekend.  She was the one who was there when I had the miscarriage earlier this year. 

Once we get some confirmation, I'm hoping they'll schedule me for an early u/s.  I'm going to ask my midwife for one if they don't come out and say it.  I just think if I can get an u/s whenever they believe they'll be able to see a heartbeat, Hubby and I will feel a lot better. 

We're also going to tell our families on Thanksgiving.  I know hubby doesn't want to think about it yet, but it's been going through my mind since I got the +hpt.  I still have all the stuff upstairs, so I think we're just going to use that.  I have a Ravens onesie, a little wolf teething thing, a dallas bib and a few other things.  So I just need to think of how to give it to them, or if we're just going to come out and tell them.  Again, I'm thinking of this, Hubby refuses to so far.  I know I have like a week to get this stuff done too, so I'm not too concerned about it.  Just kinda looking for ideas. :D

Friday, November 12, 2010

12DPO and a BFP!

Yesterday was a good and bad day.  I was working and since there was no mail delivery for Veteran's Day, my work was slow and I was allowed to leave early.  So Hubby and I took advantage of the short day and went to dinner.  We went to this mexican restaurant that we love.  Their Taco Salad is sooooo good! Definitely not good for you at all, as the Salad part implies, but very good tasting!

We got home and Hubby went downtown to hang out with friends for the Ravens Game.  It's the first Thursday night game of the season.  I was sitting here snuggling with Puppers and I was in so much pain and just uncomfortable.  I decided I didn't care, my boobs had not hurt this much since February/March when I had my first pregnancy.  Then on top of that, my ear is killing me (not really exciting, just hurt and wasn't helping), then for some reason my hip felt like it was out of socket last night.  Again, nothing really exciting just annoying.

So I sent Hubby a text saying that I was going to bed, and that I was testing in the morning because of my boobs hurting so much. 

I tested this morning, and got a positive.  I got up, took the test, brushed my hair, brushed my teeth.  Looked at the test with kinda half sleepy eyes.  I've gotten a false positive before so I was a little skeptical.  Granted my false positive was on the internet cheapie strip tests.  This time I tested with a FRER.  I got a positive!  I walked back in the bedroom to get Hubby to look at the test too.  Make sure I wasn't seeing things.  It wasn't a super faint line, but it wasn't easily noticeable either.  He looked at it and confirmed that my eyes weren't just messing with me. 

So I'm obviously very happy, but still a little worried.  I mean, I think once I get a darker test, no spotting/bleeding and a few more weeks go by, I'll feel better.  I do really want to tell our families on Thanksgiving though.  I think it may help my family a lot... We've had enough bad news this year.  We need some good news. 

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

10 DPO and a high temp

Not that I have been temping at all for about 3 and a half months, but I know that usually by 10dpo, my temp is dropping a little.  This morning it was 98.11... which is higher than it usually is when I'm at the peak of the progesterone spike.  So I'm kinda optimistic.  Hubby is too.  I haven't seen any spotting yet either, so I'm going to take that as a good sign.  I guess I'm going to temp again tomorrow morning... Hopefully my temps stay up and I can test on Friday.  I'm really hoping I get some good news... I'm tired of shitty news. 

So two days and counting.

Monday, November 8, 2010

You've got to be kidding me

As if I need anymore bullshit in my life.... My dad is battling his second round with Pancreatic Cancer.  It's been hard on everyone and I feel guilty already that I live an hour away from home.  My sister texts me tonight to ask me if I can come home on Saturday to just have a family day and spend time with everyone.  I told her I had lunch plans that I couldn't cancel, but I will do what I have to so I can come up after that.  It would be late afternoon/early evening when I get up there.  She actuallys says back to me, "You shouldn't wait until he's sick to come home."  WTF?  Are you joking?  That is complete bullshit.  I've been up home at least 1-3 times each month to see my dad.  I'm doing what I can.  I call him all the time to ask how he is, I talk to my mom online every night.  I make dinners for them and take them up, so Mom doesn't have to cook.  She brought up that a few weeks ago my dad wanted to have a family meeting to talk with us about his wishes.  He's gotten to the point that he knows he's going to die in the next 5 years, barring a miracle.  So he wants to make sure we know exactly what he wants.  She says that I was the one who stopped the meeting from happening.  I told her I can't make it up there during the week.  I work until 6.  By the time I leave here it would be 6:30 or so and it's about an hour drive, depending on traffic.  So 7:30, the have a few hours talk, then I drive back down here... I'd be lucky to be home by 10.  It's not like they live 10 min away and I can just drop by.  I told them I could make it up there on Saturday, and I was told my sister and brother both had plans so it wouldn't work.  I still went up there and stayed for 2 or 3 hours with my mom.  Dad was asleep the whole time.  So after me telling my sis that I thought it was screwed up that she made that comment, she just went off at me saying if I could be there this weekend to let her know.  I'm just so frustrated.

It's like they are mad at me for moving further away.  It's not like I did it on purpose, it's not like I said, "I gotta get the fuck away from these people."  Hubby's job was 2 hours away from where we were living up home.  So we chose to move here, which was an hour from home and an hour from his job.  I don't know what exactly they expect of me.  I just want to scream sometimes with them.

And ya know, that's just what I need at 8DPO.... for my family to be so retarded that if I am pregnant, I don't even want to tell them, because they'll prolly say I'm being selfish by announcing something like that when my dad is so sick or something.  I'm just done.  Maybe I did move away on purpose, just unknowingly.  You know, subconsciously or whatever.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

And it's 4dpo

So now I'm 4dpo and just waiting.  This weekend Hubby and I are going up home to visit family for a bit.  Hubby is going to hang out with a friend in the afternoon, then we're probably going to play cards with my family.

Hubby was on day shift this week, granted it was only two days, but it was nice to have him on the same schedule as me.  It was neat to see how most normal couples live.  Plus the way our schedules matched up, I could get done work, then make dinner and he was home right about the time it was done.  It was definitely weird.  But good weird.  It also felt really good that all this week he's been actually sleeping at night.  Usually even on his days off, he's on a nightshift schedule, so he won't be able to fall asleep until like 4 or 5 am, then he sleeps until the early afternoon.  But now he has the whole weekend off too, so it's been a good week in the T household. 

Aside from that, my life is still occupied by trying to get pregnant.  I did however get introduced to a wife in Hubby's group of friends (I had met her a few times before, but we never really got a chance to talk), and she and her hubby have been trying for about 8 months now.  I could tell that she doesn't have anyone to talk to about the whole process because the minute she found out that we've been trying for so long, she just about broke down in tears.  She immediately asked me if I minded talking with her and all, basically being a confidant for her.  Neither of their families know, only a few friends know and nobody she knows has ever been through anything like this.  It's the same as my story.  So I made a new friend in this journey.  I actually need to get in touch with her and see if she wants to have lunch next weekend.... guess I better get on facebook! LOL. 

And on that note, I'm outta here!  Like I said, I'm just waiting.  It's too early to post on any symptoms or anything.  Although yesterday I got some boob sensitivity, and I remember just sitting here thinking to myself, "Really?.... Already?.... This is crap....."  LOL

Monday, October 25, 2010

This is post 101 for me. And it's long

So I've been blogging now for almost 11 months.  I'm at post 101.  I know recently my posts haven't been all the same... we're trying we're trying, we're waiting and waiting, and then negative.  Blah.  As much as I'm tired of typing it, it's what's going on. 

So I'm on CD 11, waiting to O.  I started testing yesterday because I've been getting my first +OPK between like day 14 and 17.  So I don't want to miss it. 

I don't know how much more of this I can do... It's been about 16 months since we started this journey and I'm just worn out.  Emotionally and physically, I'm just tired of the whole thing.  And now my worries are turning to if we don't get pregnant on our own and end up seeking treatment.  I mean, I was told before that we were the ideal candidates for Clomid because my cycles were so long.  They were telling me that the reason we weren't getting pregnant within the time frame is because we weren't having 12 cycles in the 12 months they recommend.  Like I said, we've been trying for 16 months and this is the 12th cycle.  Granted I got pregnant but miscarried.  But when I think of going for treatment, I wonder if they'll still recommend Clomid.  Because my cycles have been about 30 days each the last 4 cycles.  I'm worried they'll say we have to do IUI or IVF or something and Hubby will not be ok with it.  I just feel like I'm fighting a losing battle on all fronts.  I just want to get pregnant.  I'm ready to do what it takes.  I know it's only going to get harder once we start treatment, but I'm ready to sacrafice what I need to so I can be pregnant.  Hubby is still in that phase where he wants us to get pregnant as much as I do, but mentally he's still thinking maybe we're doing something wrong.  Sometimes I'm not sure why he's so hesitant.  I get that it's a huge undertaking.  And I know what his fears are.  He's worried I won't be able to work, and that's a loss of an income while we're still paying stuff off.  I try to tell him, the worst that's going to happen is they're goin to put me on hospital bedrest.  Which is not probable, but if it happened, I work from home on a computer now.  I'm going to be able to work as long as I can get an internet connection.  I understand why he's scared, and I understand how big of a decision this is.  But at the same time, if I was just as scared as he is about every big decision, we wouldn't have a house, he wouldn't have his job (I pushed and pushed and finally posted his resume for him on a job search site), and we'd still be living up home in a 1 bedroom apartment.  And it's a family trait or something... his whole family freaks out when they have to make a big decision.  I seriously think they put off making decisions until someone else does it for them or they only have one option.  I don't want to push Hubby on this one quite yet though.  We have been doing really good lately, no fighting, no arguing, and I know this is an automatic fight.  I'm holding off until January.  If we're not pregnant by then, we're going.  Whether he wants to or not.  There's going to be no more waiting if we hit that point.  That'll be about 18 months of trying.  It's just been too long.  I have a bad feeling something is wrong with one of us and we're just delaying the inevitable.  I hate to be that negative, but this late in the game, I don't have a whole lot of optimism left. 

And then to add to the stress and emotional roller coaster, my Dad has gotten to the point where he wants to talk to everyone about what our responsibilities are and what his wishes are for when he passes.  I mean, he has pancreatic cancer and this is a relapse.  So I know we're on borrowed time.  And that's probably why I feel even more of an urge to get pregnant.  I want my Dad to at least see one of his grandbabies.  I can't put into words how much it would hurt if he passes away before being a grandfather.  My Dad is one of those guys who is all about kids.  I keep thinking of him with family friends' babies.  He's the one that the minute he gets there, he takes the baby and you don't get the kid away from him until he's ready to leave.  And the baby is happy the whole time.  It physically hurts to think he may be gone before I have a child.   

On a lighter note, our friends welcomed their little boy into the world last Friday at 4:32 am.  He was 7lbs 4 oz I think.  He's absolutely adorable and I can't wait until later this week when we're going to go over and see them.  It's nice to see the group of friends all kinda growing up.  :)  Our other friends are due in about a week.  I'm so excited for them too! Another little boy! That's three baby boys in the group and no baby girls!  Very crazy. 

I guess on that note... this post is over... Things gotta start looking up soon.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Hubby has a hunch...

So our friends are pregnant, there's two couples.  The one was due yesterday.  It's their first baby, so she hasn't gone into labor yet.  Hubby took this friend out for drinks last night, kinda as a last night out before the baby is born.  He told Hubby that they are planning to induce his wife on Thursday if she doesn't go into labor before then.  I am so excited for them!  But drinking buddy put an idea in Hubby's head... He thinks his wife isn't as far along as the doc says.  I tried explaining to Hubby that doctors are pretty accurate about this stuff.  They use a lot of tools to get a good idea of the ovulation/conception and due dates.  So Hubby has decided that even though I had a period just a few days ago, that I'm pregnant.  I took a test this morning to make sure he's on the same page as I am... the neggo preggo page. 

Outside of that, not a whole lot going on.  I have the rest of the week off work, and I am so happy!  I just need a break!  So tomorrow is a relaxation day and then Friday Hubby and I are going to a concert for one of my favorite artists!  Then we have a whole weekend of fun going on.  Saturday I'm dress shopping with one of my best friends for her wedding dress, then meeting up with Hubby at our brewery back home.  It's not ours, it's just our place.  It's one of the first restaurants that we just both loved and we used to go there all the time.  We even had our rehearsal dinner there!  Then Sunday I have a different friend coming down to visit and we're going to the Ravens game together.  Should be a complete blast!  I cannot wait!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Obvious with no posts yet

So without me posting with huge capital letters, it's easy to assume I got my period... which I did... today is CD 3.  Sucks.  I was really hoping last cycle was it.  But the good news, if my cycles stay consistant, like they have been for a few months, I'll ovulate around the first weekend in November, which would put my due date right around our 2 year anniversary.  So that would be kinda cool.  I don't really have anything else to report on... 

I really can't believe it's to what would have been my due date if I hadn't miscarried.  I'd be 37 weeks right now.  I don't even want to think about that day.  I'm going to be a wreck.  I'm really trying to not let myself get to that point.  I know most of my friends and Hubby are tired of hearing about it.  It's just something that takes over your thoughts.  I really feel like my life has been hijacked.  It's not like it affects everyday stuff, but everytime I see someone who's about ready to pop, I just can't help thinking I was supposed to be there.  Everytime I see baby clothes or nursery items, I can't help thinking how I should have been shopping for those things and getting all that ready by now.  Like I said, it's not everyday... but when it does happen, it makes me feel just like I did when they told me I was going to miscarry.  Like a bus just hit me all over again.  I get a variation of that feeling everytime I see a negative pregnancy test, or spotting a few days before my period.  I just never thought it would be like this.  And I wouldn't wish it on anyone... ever.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Now at 10dpo it's harder

It's so hard to wait to test!  Today is 10DPO and I am losing my will power, as I do every cycle.  I am trying really hard not to test tomorrow morning.  I've admitted to Hubby that my resolve is dissolving!  I'm actually kinda hoping he tells me to test tomorrow... just because he's usually the one who is mad at me if I test before my period.  So if he tells me to test, I think it'll be a good thing, cuz he told me yesterday he thinks we got it this time.  We'll see in the next couple days I guess. 

I had some spotting today, but it wasn't even spotting... it was just the slightest tinge of color in my CM.  Plus I've been having some soreness in my boobs too.  Today I've been having some bloating/uncomfortableness in my lower abdomen, but nothing that feels like AF is coming.  I have had sore boobs every cycle ever since the m/c though, so I'm really trying not to look too far into it.  I'm really hoping I can hold out and test on Thursday at the earliest, but I guess we'll see!  I'm horrible at this!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Ah, 8 DPO

Ah, it's Sunday, we're watching football and had chinese food for lunch.  Very good day.  Actually a very good weekend.  We had friends and family over yesterday for a BBQ, played backyard redneck games, and drank.  It was some fun.  We got a new game, KanJam.  It is a lot of fun.  Basically imagine throwing a frisbee into a trashcan. LOL.  You have a partner, you throw the frisbee and try to get it close to the bucket, your partner can bat the frisbee either in the can, at the can, etc.  It's a lot of fun. 

So, I'm on CD 26, 8 DPO.  It's not so bad yet... I've been trying to focus on anything but when I'm going to test.  I think I'll test on Saturday if I have no AF signs.  I know earlier I said I wasn't testing until the 20th, but that's like 4 days late, so I'm not waiting that long. LOL.  I have no will power for that. 

I'm glad, I have this Thursday off work.  Hubby and I are going to do some work around the house, finish some projects that we started a while back.  I'm hoping we have good weather.  I want to get our front door finished.  I started stripping the paint, and Hubby said if I did the main panels of the door (I used an angle grinder) he would use the paint stripper on the recessed panels (since they have routing details).  So we'll see.  I'm concerned about if I am pregnant and don't test, using paint stripper.  It's pretty bad just for anyone, I used it a while back and had some pretty bad respitory issues, just because it's pretty caustic.  The fumes are nasty!  So I really don't want to be around them if I may be pregnant.  Maybe if Hubby wants me to use that, I'm testing that morning.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Rough Week

Nothing new on the fertility front... just that it's 3DPO and obviously way to early for anything.  LOL

I've been so tired of work for so long now.  I'm very bored with it.  Not with working in general, I think I'd go crazy if I didn't have something to do all day.  But with my job, I've been doing the exact same thing every day for 3 years now.  I'll put it this way.  I process documents, basically it's data entry.  I look at a document, pull out specific info, and enter it into our system, then forward it on.  Sounds exciting right?  Imagine doing that 100 times each day... now imagine doing that for 3 years... that's right, I've processed an average of about 78k documents since I started.  To be completely honest, it got boring around document 5000, but I still thought I had a snowball's chance in hell of moving up in the company.  Now I know better.  It has seriously gotten to the point that I don't even want to get out of bed in the mornings to work.  For those who don't know, I work from home.  Don't get me wrong, there are perks... but imagine being stuck at home, all day, with no human interaction unless it occurs through a phone or the internet.  And I don't have one of those fun jobs where I can work whatever hours I want as long as I get 40 hours a week or anything... My job requires me to work from 9am to 6pm each day.  At this point, I'd go back to working at Walmart, just to get out of the house.  If I wasn't worried about not being able to find another job, I'd start looking.  Plus Hubby and I are on track to be credit card debt free in about 5 months.  So I'm really trying to stick it out until at least then.  If I can make it that long, I can get a job that doesn't pay as much but gets me out of the house.

I had a professor in college who used to say, "If you aren't happy doing what you're doing... Stop doing it."  He used to tell us why would you keep going to a job if on your way there, you had that dreadful feeling in the pit of your stomach, or you feel like there's a weight on your chest?  I can honestly say I know what the heck he was talking about now... but the only problem is, I work at home, so I have that feeling every time I sit down at my computer now.  I've stopped talking on message boards, I've just about stopped using facebook.  I hate checking email.  I'm on the computer all day everyday for work, and I can't stand to sit here the rest of the night after I'm finally done work.

I just really wish that Hubby could get Dayshift and I could get a better job for me.  I mean, I don't even really need to feel challenged; I just want to do something that is at least a little different every now and then.  I hate monotony...

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Little late, but it clears up confusion!

So I got my first positive OPK this month on Friday.  I got another positive yesterday.  I know you aren't supposed to take them after you get a positive, but I just do so I can pinpoint my ovulation since I'm not temping.  So I'll take another one today, and hopefully get another positive, just because it'll give us more time to "try to make babies" as Hubby called it the other day in an email... I laughed when I read it.  I'm just glad that I kept taking them and got a positive.  To be honest, Friday was going to be the last day I took it if I didn't get a positive.  I jsut wasn't feeling it anymore.  I get slight cramping, and I don't know how to describe it except I get hyper-sensitive (not emotionally) about everything, every tinge, every feeling.  It's weird. 

Well... now that it's taken me like 4 hours to write this post (I got lost in the football games...), I took another OPK for today, negative.  So I guess that means I most likely will either ovulate last night or today sometime.  So I guess I got one more "trying to make babies" time, then it's just for fun. :P

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

It has been a while...

So it's been two weeks since my last post.  With my dad being sick and having the false positive, I just didn't have the mindframe or the heart to write a whole lot these last few weeks. 

But with that being said, I am hoping I ovulated in the last few days.  I don't know if I did or not though.  I haven't been able to take an OPK since Friday.  I took one today, it was fairly dark, but not positive.  So I don't know if that meant I ovulated last night or if I am still waiting to ovulate.  Guess I just have to sit here and test again, then wait to see when all the signs go away.  So far, they're still here...

According to the charting website I'm using right now, if I got pregnant this cycle, the baby would have a birthday within days of Hubby's Momma.  For that matter, could be within days of my cousin or sis as well... End of June, beginning of July.  I hate to be this way, but I'm starting to think it's never going to happen.  It just seems like every month we have pretty good timing, and every month we get a negative... or now a false flipping positive.  Stupid crap.  Well, that's all the update I have for now. 

I honestly never thought I'd ever say we've been trying to conceive for 15 months... but here we are.  It's a milestone I wouldn't wish on anyone... that's for sure.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Well, guess I'm one in a million

I got a false positive.  Took the home test, got a positive.... Went for the blood test later that day, got a negative.  To be honest, I thought they were going to tell me it's positive, then today when I went back, they were going to tell me it was a chem pregnancy.  Guess not.  False positives suck!

Hubby was pretty upset though.  Even though I tried to warn him when I told him I got a positive.  I told him blatently, don't get too excited, I'm bleeding, and it won't be good news from the doctor.  He kinda hit that wall that I hit a few months ago.  He started saying how he's worried something is wrong with me or with him, that there's some reason why we can't get pregnant again.  He said he thinks it's a side effect from being on BC for so long.  I told him I didn't think that was it.  So after some time, we talked about it again, and I think he's kinda back to normal.  I told him we can get the fertility testing done without actually taking clomid, or doing anything else.  So he said he'd think about it.  I can't do mine until next cycle anyway, so we have time.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Ambiguity

So I woke up this morning and took a cheapie internet test that I had.  I was staring at it about a minute into it, and figured I saw a faint line, but it was my imagination.  Like I just wanted to see it so bad that I was tricking myself into thinking it was there.  Something made me stop though.  I held onto it, and looked at it in the natural light.  I saw a line.  A very thin, faint pinkish-purple line.  I want to be excited, but I'm scared at the same time.  Could it be an evap line? I thought those only happened after the test dries... Then I was thinking my mind was playing tricks on me again.  But the long I let it sit, the darker it got... still faint, but more noticeable.  So I waited a while... contemplated more... got absolutely nothing done at work this morning because of this... When I woke Hubby up just a little while ago, I let him in on the conundrum.  He just said not to stress, call the doc and get a blood test.  So that's what I did.  I have to go later today for a blood test, then go back again on Friday so they'll have something to compare.  But I should get some news at some point tomorrow with whether or not there was any hcg in my test. So I guess that's better than nothing. 

The reason I'm not bouncy off the walls excited, is because I'm also spotting/bleeding.  So I just keep thinking if I am pregnant, I'm having flashbacks to 6 months ago when I found out I was pregnant, then bled, then m/c.  So now we wait.  I should have some results of the blood test tomorrow, so I'll post again then.  I have one more Internet test upstairs, who knows... if I feel like it tomorrow morning, I may just take it too.  Just to be compulsively masochistic, like usual when it comes to TTC....

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I'm a bad blogger...

Not that I really think anyone reads this (I say this because I just do this for the therapeutic value, I haven't given this out to any friends except on my siggy), but I am getting bad at this... It's been 10 days since my last post.  I think I had good reason though.  It's been a really rough week.  A week ago we found out for sure that my Dad's pancreatic cancer was back and had spread.  It's been a really rough week.  With the way my mom and sis were talking, he had a matter of days.  I felt horrible about not being able to get up there to see him until this past weekend.  I finally broke down and asked my brother how bad off Dad really was.  He told me it's just that he's in a lot of pain.  That's what is making my mom and sis talk like this.  He's miserable.  Thank goodness for medical marijuana, my dad was given new pain bills that have some form of pot in them and it seems to be working.  It's at least taking the edge off.  Which is enough for him to feel like eating and getting some sleep at nights finally.  He has his first Chemo treatment tomorrow.  I think I've convinced them to come down to a hospital by me that is making huge strides in cancer treatments.  It's not that I don't trust his current doc, or hospital, it's just, this hospital is a lot bigger, and being a research hospital, and one of the best in the country, they have a lot more resources available to them that the small county hospital back home just doesn't.  So time will tell to see if they come down and check it out.

That being said, today is 13dpo.  I've had spotting for 2 days and 2 negative preggo tests over the weekend, so I'm going to say I'm out this month.  But then again, I don't have any cramps, so I'm gearing up for tomorrow to be hell-atious.  I usually get cramps for a few days, and they aren't as bad because they are spaced out.  But I have no even had a twinge.  Makes me worry and know that tomorrow, I'm just going to carry that Midol bottle everywhere I go.  And the eternal optimist in me feels like adding that I have one of the Clear blue easy early detection digital tests, so if AF doesn't show by about 3pm tomorrow, I'll probably test.  But again, pretty sure I'm going to get hit first thing in the morning. 

I have seen a few signs, like the blue veins popping out all over, sore bbs, etc, but I'm just not getting my hopes up... I've seen these things so many times and it's always AF, not BFP.... not to mention, I've been spotting, which is how my last pregnancy went.... since it ended in m/c that doesn't make me feel any better to have this spotting.  So it's a catch 22, I'd love to be pregnant this cycle, I think my family could use some good news, but at the same time, if I was, I'd be a complete wreck until the spotting stopped and I heard the heartbeat at least twice.  Which wouldn't happen for weeks... just what I need in my life, more stress!  So I'm just going to go with the negativity and expect to see that biotch tomorrow morning. 

Friday, September 3, 2010

What I think is 3DPO and heartbreak

So I mentioned this before, my father had pancreatic cancer last year.  He had a whipple procedure, chemo and radiation, and they told us it was all gone.  He found out the other day that that doctors think it's back.  I feel like someone has ripped out my heart, or that I've been hit by a truck.  They did some tests, and he's supposed to find out on Tuesday.  I'm really praying that it's negative.  After talking to him on the phone the other day, it sounds like he isn't going to try to go through with treatment again... Like he's given up already.  I have been crying for the past two days. 

After all that... I think I'm 3dpo.  I got a pretty damn close to positive test, if not positive, on Aug 31st, then a completely negative test, like just about no line at all.  So I'm going to say that I O'd on Tuesday.  I've been feeling so much like hell with everything else going on, that I don't even care to be honest.  I just feel like I'm going to lose my mind.  I can't lose my Dad.  I can't even fathom it. 

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Complete change from yesterday...

Ok I swear I'm not crazy.  I had a very very bad day yesterday.  It carried over into today, but I got two pieces of information that make me so happy, I don't care anymore!  First and foremost, apparently my body is getting more "normal"!!!!!!  I'm on CD 15 and I got a positive OPK.  WOW! That's all I have to say.  Really never thought it would happen.  I wasn't expecting to ovulate for another 4 or 5 days!  But I'll take it!!! So happy about that!

Then the second piece of info that made me happy, Sonoma made my boots again this year, and since I wore out my last two pairs (had one pair in black and one in brown, it only makes sense), I need a new set, and I'm sooooooo happy they're making them!!!!  They are so comfy and they are just the ipitamy of my attitude!  I love it!  I bought my first two pairs at JC Penney like 2 or 3 years ago now.  Then I guess Sonoma decided they weren't going to make this style boot anymore.  I was so sad!  Now I found them at Kohl's and I'm ecstatic!  I actually called friends to tell them I found a new pair of my boots!  I told Hubby I may get two pairs, just in case they don't make them next year.  To be honest, if I had the money, I'd get like 10 pairs just so I'll have them for the next 10 years at least!  I love them!  I'll add a pic on here.  The only bad part (and it's not even that bad), they're only in one color.  I'm ok with that though!



You probably really think I'm crazy now, but I don't care.. I'm on such a high from finding out that I'm ovulating and getting a new pair of my boots, then I'm not coming down for a few days! LOL

Another week, more BS

I feel like crap.  Just in general.  But to get the baby-making stuff out of the way first, since this has been irritating me more and more... I am on CD 14, with no idea if I ovulated already or if I'm going to ovulate soon.  I had a bunch of signs, but couldn't get a positive OPK.  And now I'm out of them, so I need to run out and get some more tomorrow.  Yet another thing I need to do, but have no time to get it done.

I feel like I have no time for myself anymore, and even worse than that, I feel like I'm getting taken advantage of by a lot of people.  For starters, Hubby and I had a fantasy football draft this past weekend.  Have to admit, I'm not all that great at it, but I enjoy it, so I play.  Hubby had another draft on Friday, then we had ours on Saturday.  The plan was for him to help me clean and get food prep done before his Friday draft then afterwards he'd help me out some more.  It turned into him going out to the draft, not getting back until 2am, then feeling like hell the next morning.  So that left me to clean the whole house myself, and do all the food prep.  I was soooo livid.  Especially because he was just in a pissy mood on Saturday morning and just such a baby because he was hung over.

Then Saturday night we had the Ravens Game, which was a lot of fun.  We had a good time.  But we argued before we went, because Hubby was tired after his night of drinking and poker... and he didn't get to have some of the food I made because the guys grabbed it all before he could get to it.  So he had to get a nap, and get the teams into the matrix so people could make changes and such before anyone got home.  BLAH BLAH BLAH, whatever.  Did not have the patience to sit there and listen to him bitch that he had fun but now he's tired.

Sunday we ended up going back home (to our home towns) and seeing our families for a bit.  My mom and sister are supposed to walk in an Alzheimer's walk with me in October.  We were planning a few different little things to do as fundraisers, and the more I try to talk to them about it, they keep telling me we have time.  We have about a month.  We're kinda in crunch time to get this stuff planned.  It just annoys me.  It's something that I feel very passionate about, but I hate that it seems like they aren't really taking it seriously.  They were so gungho about it when they signed up, just two weeks ago.  Now they just seem like if they don't raise a dime it wouldn't matter.  It just makes me angry. 

And I'll admit, I've been a royal biotch to Hubby lately.  It's because my weekends are full for the next like 6 weeks, and none of it is for me.  I'm going to be running to baby showers and wedding and such like that until the second weekend in October.  I'm just not looking forward to it anymore.  I feel like I've been running forever and haven't had any time to myself or to do anything for myself this whole summer.  Hubby and I were supposed to get a 3 day vacation and that didn't happen.  A few weeks ago, Hubby tells me he's going on a Man Weekend with the boys to the beach.  It pissed me off to no end because I wanted to do that this summer and I couldn't get him to nail down a time we could go.  Then when he finally wanted to plan something, every weekend was full of shit that we had already agreed to do.  So we didn't get anything like that.  Now he's all excited and talking about how much fun it's going to be.  I just want to tell him to shut the hell up.  I'm jealous.  It's not that I don't want him to go, it's that I wish I was going to something like that and able to have fun.  It does make me angry that he's going to get to go and have fun and have that release.  I'm not going to get that at all this year.  No vacations, no time away with friends, nothing. 

I just feel like I'm busting my ass to do all this stuff, to clean the house, to make dinner every night before Hubby goes to work.  I'm sacraficing all my time and energy to get these things done, and he gets to go out and have fun with friends and stuff, but then I hear about it the next day when he's hung over.  It's not that he's mad at me, it's that his pissy and wants to whine and complain.  It always ends in a fight because I don't want to hear it.  I spent my night busting my hump to clean the house and make food.  DO NOT bitch to me about how you're hung over and tired because you were out drinking and playing poker the night before.  I don't have the patience.  I haven't even had time to go to the gym like I want to.  Then Hubby complains that I'm not going.  Well if I had free time, I would.  But with his schedule then on his days off he has plans every damn day, I can't go.  He tells me, just tell me you want to go it's not a big deal.  I don't want to have to tell him a week ahead of time that I want to go to the gym the following week.  It should be a given that Hey, I have a lunch hour, I'm going to head to the gym and work out some frustrations.  Or if I don't feel like going, I don't have to.  I'm just mad about a lot right now, and when I tell Hubby, he gets mad at me.  So he's allowed to be mad and vent, but I'm not.  Cuz I'm supposed to just sit there and deal with it when he's pissy and bitchy, but when I do it, he's going to get mad at me more.  I don't fucking care anymore.  I just want to be mad and get it out.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Well, there's good and bad

So I'm super excited about this week.  It's going to be crazy, but we have our fantasy football draft this weekend.  I cannot wait!  I got sucked into fantasy football last year.  I didn't do well, but it was one of those I got robbed situations.  I had a team that on paper and predictions was awesome, but then other teams just out played me ridiculously!  So I have a crazy week ahead of making the food, cleaning up the house and all so that we have have 12 people in the house with no issue.  Our house is small, so 12 people in here in one room is a bit much.  I am hoping the weather cooperates.  It's supposed to be like 80 and nice and sunny this weekend, so I'm hoping we can do this outside.  It should be nice out, so that way the house has to be clean, but we don't have to move furniture around to get everyone to fit. 

This is my first cycle in over a year that I haven't temped, and I'm a little nervous.  I'm feeling good, because I don't have to get up every morning at the same time.  I can sleep in if I want to.  But at the same time, I'm getting to the point in my cycle where I should be ovulating in the next week or two.  So I'm starting to get worried that I'm going to miss it completely.  I'm not going to get any signs so I'm not going to know when/if I ovulated.  It's all in my head.  My body gives me signs and I know how to recognize them.  It's just me in my own head I guess.  It's one of those things where my life is easier because temping every morning was a constant reminder of where I was in my cycle and I was always on FF and WTE just reading and obsessing over everything.  Now I am finding that I don't think about it all day everyday.  I think about it at least once a day, but it's so much better than it was. 

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Possibly the worst week in a long time

So I have been tired and not feeling good all week.  My period started on Tuesday, and I have just felt off ever since.  Then I get a call on Thursday that my dad was taken to the hospital because he had very low blood pressure.  I figured they were going to give him some fluids and he'd be fine.  Then my sis calls to tell me they are admitting him, keeping him and he's going to the ICU because they think he was bleeding internally.  So I sat here trying to keep composure, but that didn't happen for long.  I took time off work to go up there, since my family made it seem like he was on his deathbed or something.  When I got there, everyone was completely calm, the docs told me he'd be fine, they just had to keep him a few days longer.  My family started telling me I didn't have to make the trip.  Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I went, because if it was serious, I want to be there, ya know?  But they could have told me it wasn't that much of an emergency, that I could have waited until I got out of work to run up there.  My dad is ok now.  He was released today and is home.  Thank God.

Now I've had a headache all day, my stomach hasn't felt good, and I had to cancel plans to hang out with a friend.  It's so weird.  I just don't feel like myself.  Not to mention, DH and I have been arguing lately over the dumbest things, and I don't know why.  We're trying to refinish our front door.  It's a solid wood door, and the previous owners painted it red and white... it's not a good job either.  If you paint over chipped and flaking paint, the new paint, will chip and flake too... Like so many other things in our house, they did it completely half-assed.  So I've been working on it.  First it was sanding it with a battery operated hand sander and got nowhere.  Then I asked Hubby to get some paint stripper... He came home with a flat disc for a grinder.  We have a battery operated one.  I got about a 1ft x 1.5ft area done, then I had to recharge the battery.  So Hubby said I should go out and get an electric grinder from a tool discount store.  So I did.  Came home, worked for a few more hours, got most of the door done.  But with it getting dark and all, we had to put the door back on and deal with it looking worse for a week.  I got some paint stripper, since I figured it would probably be easier than sanding/grinding the whole thing, and we have some millwork done on the door, and using a sander/grinder would ruin it.  Tried that today on the door, it was horrible.  It was so hard to get the paint off the door.  So there's a local shop here that will remove paint from old furniture, they specialize in removing lead paint, etc.  I brought it up to Hubby that since they do free estimates, maybe we should call them and see how much it would cost us.  Mind you, just a few days ago, he was talking about getting a new door all together.  He starts going off about how much money am I willing to spend to redo this door, saying that I do this all the time, I get into projects and I don't finish them, or the minute they get hard I stop and try to get someone else to finish them.  I just gave up.  He's pissy for some other reason and just taking it out on me.  I told him flat out, I thought it was going to be easier than it is, and I'm in a little over my head.  I'm not too proud to admit that and ask for help.  He sat there and said if he has to sand it he will and blah blah blah.  I'm tempted to just tell him he has to finish it if he wants it done.  I figure there's no harm in calling this place and just finding out.  Apparently I'm wrong though.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

New Day, new cycle....

So things have changed quite a bit today.  Last night I sent Hubby an email saying I needed to know if he would be supportive if I went and started fertility treatment this cycle.  I was upset when I wrote it, I knew my period was going to start today.  He didn't take it the way I wrote it, and it turned into a huge argument.  Basically he said if I was going to be deceptive and go behind his back to get pregnant, we weren't going to make it in our marriage.  I was irate when I read it.  He accused me of being deceptive, calling him names, and not caring about his feelings.  We've always been proud of the fact that at least when we argue, we fight fair.  And what he wrote to me definitely wasn't fair.  Even though he was here and I could have just talked to him, I wrote him back.  I was so upset and mad that I couldn't stop crying.  I knew if I tried to just talk with him, I wouldn't get everything out that needed to be said.  I wrote that I would NOT stand for him to say things like "if (I'm) going to start pulling this shit then we won't make it past our 2 or 3 year anniversary."  If that is the way he really felt, we'd pack up all our shit, divide it in half, sell the house and go our seperate ways.  I fight fair, and I will not let anyone, especially him, talk to me like that, or threaten me with that.  The minute he woke up, he told me he felt sick as soon as he sent it.  He knew he shouldn't have written it, that felt horrible.  Needless to say we had a good talk.  We're just both so stressed about this whole situation. 

In between the accusations, I did manage to find his reasons why he has been hesitant about going to the clinic for treatment.  He said that we just have all this stuff planned out for the next 6 months or so.  I mean, if all goes according to plan, we're going to be credit card and loan free (excluding our car and house loans), we're going to be done a lot of the projects that are going to make this house a LOT better.  We also recently got season tickets to the Ravens and he's really worried that if we get pregnant, I'll end up really sick and won't be able to do any of those things, or won't be able to work and it will derail all of our plans.  When he actually explained it, I understand that.  He never said these things when we talked before, it was just him demanding that he wasn't ready but not really giving me reasons or justification. 

So we've decided we're just going to keep trying naturally.  We're not going to force ovulation with treatment, at least not right now.  If we get pregnant on our own and that derails our savings plan, that's ok.  I've decided I'm done temping and all that.  Hubby actually encouraged me to keep using OPK's.  He said he thinks I know enough about my cycles to know when I may be ovulating.  He even said he knows how important it is to me, and it's just as important to him, that he wouldn't be upset if I tell him I'm ovulating.  So we definitely made some progress today.  I'm very happy that I'm not going to temp anymore.  I'll be able to sleep in with no interuptions, not worry when we travel, not sit here staring at the damn chart wondering if I ovulated yet or if my temps are high enough for me to be pregnant.  I think I just need a break. 

Monday, August 16, 2010

GOD THIS IS TORTURE!!!

I am just sitting here waiting trying to figure out what I'm going to do tomorrow.  I think I'm going to start my period, but every fiber of my being wants to test anyway.  It's so dumb!  I guess I'm going to wait and see what my temp is tomorrow morning.  If it tanks again, I don't have to worry about testing... if it goes up more, I guess I should test.  It doesn't help that Hubby thinks I spend unholy amounts of money on HPT's each month.  I had to explain to him that I use maybe 1 a cycle.  And usually, those are the cheapie internet test strip ones. 

He doesn't want me to test until I'm 2 weeks late.  WHAT?! Not going to happen.  Told him to go ahead and get that out of his head now, cuz it's not going to happen.  I'm just so frustrated that I'm not pregnant that I really don't have the patience to sit here and argue with him.  I mean, does he think I'm that irresponsible or crazy?  I am not trying to spend our savings on pregnancy tests.  I feel so crappy right now, I'm just going to go to bed... I have a million things to get done around the house, and I can't bring myself to do any of them. 

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Today is my birthday (a little in depth, just to warn you)

So I woke up, excited because we were going to one of my favorite restaurants for brunch.  They have such good food, and we don't get to go that often, so needless to say I was super excited.  But that stopped pretty quick.  I went to the bathroom and had started my period (or so I thought, explanation coming).  I was so bummed.  I walk back into the bedroom, Hubby tells me my family isn't coming for the brunch like they had planned.  Double bummer.  So I just broke down and cried.  It just felt so horrible.  I was so upset, because my first period after the m/c was on Mother's Day.  The second was on Father's Day... The third was a random day in July, then this one is my birthday.  I can't think of a more crappy sequence of events.  But Hubby convinced me to go to brunch and have fun.  So we did.  We ended up inviting my family down to hang out for dinner and such, and play poker. 

After coming back from brunch and last minute grocery shopping for the BBQ, I changed my protection.  No period.  Just passed one larger clot-like clump early, then nothing.  Nothing at all.  So I guess my body just wants to mess with me.  So I enjoyed the rest of the day with my family, friends and Hubby.  But I have to say, I'm not optimistic for this month.  Just the spotting, the temp tank this morning (which I have no idea of what the heck that was!), and all, just thinking this isn't our month.  But I guess a few more days will tell.  Since this is 11DPO, I should only have one or two more days, if it keeps true to form.  I'm going to not test I believe... I don't think I really have any reason to test.  Hubby did see how upset I was this morning though and talked about if I decided to go to the clinic, he's support me.  So at least that's good.  But like I said, time will tell. 

So all in all, a good birthday.  Kinda wish the whole thinking my period started this morning thing hadn't happened, but now I'm back to waiting. 

Thursday, August 12, 2010

FF changed my O day.

So I O'd one day earlier, and my coverline went down.  Not that I'm complaining, makes my temps look a little better.  So I'm 8DPO.  My birthday is Sunday and I can't decide whether to test or not.  It's only 11 DPO, so my gut is telling me not to.  It would be such a great birthday gift, but it would also just kill me if it's negative.  I guess I just decided for me... not testing.  Couldn't take it if it is negative. 

So I guess I'm waiting until Tuesday if I don't start my period by Tuesday morning, or don't think I'm about to start, then I'll test.  I don't think I am though.  Just feeling like I always do the week before my period, so I'm pretty sure I'm not.  I hate this waiting game.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Fundraisers for the Alzheimer's walk and 6DPO

So I'm throwing myself into fundraising for the Alzheimer's Walk so that I don't freak every 5 minutes about testing or waiting to test, ect.  So far, Hubby and I have come up with two poker tourney's and a wine tasting.  I'm hoping we do pretty good at them.  I'd love to be able to turn in our goal of $500 when we go for the walk. 

But I am 6DPO.  My face is breaking out, I'm bloated beyond belief, my chest hurts half the day, the other half I have cramps that come and go.  Ah, to be a woman, this is so great. 

I still haven't talked to Hubby about the whole going to the fertility clinic again.  I really think I'm going to tell him that if we aren't pregnant this cycle, we're going to do the preliminary stuff, then if we aren't pregnant next cycle, we're doing it.  That puts us at the end of September when we start.  I really don't know why he's so damn hesitant.  I just wish he understood that if we do this, I don't have to temp, no OPK's and no testing at home.  All of it is done at the office.  It would be really nice not to have to hold my pee for hours on end waiting to test. 

I also have a pretty nasty bruise on my hand that I'm not sure of how it got there... It showed up a few days ago, so I'm hoping it goes away in the next few days.  I hate that I bruise like this... It usually is random and they just stick around forever.  I had one on my arm recently for like 2 weeks!  I'm really hoping this one doesn't do that. 

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Alzheimer's Walk

I am walking in an Alzheimer's Walk in my area.  I lost my Great-Aunt (who spoiled me to death and was so wonderful to me) and my Great-Grandmother to this disease.  I am really trying to raise a good amount of money for this and I'd really love any help anyone who reads my blog could give me.  I really appreciate any donation or even just passing on the link.  You can donate by clicking on the thermometer on the left, or by going to:
http://memorywalk2010.kintera.org/belair/checkerstogether

On other notes, still waiting to see if I ovulated or not... I'm a little confused.  My temp this morning was 98 at 9:30 (an hour and a half after my usual temp time).  And not to mention, I can't use my basal thermometer, because I left it at my parent's house when I visited there last weekend.... GRRRR!!!  Not only that, I've done experiments, where I woke up at my usual time, then woke up about an hour or two later, took my temperatures each time, they were the same... so I don't know if I should adjust my temp by the "normal" amounts... It would put my temp as 97.7 at 8am.  I don't think that's what it would have been, but I guess I need to wait and see what my temp is tomorrow... Hopefully my lazy butt gets up on time!  LOL

Friday, August 6, 2010

1 DPO

I'm pretty sure that's what I'm at.  I'd say 2DPO, but FF doesn't give me crosshairs unless my temp goes up again tomorrow and Sunday.  So I'm going to say 1DPO since that's what that experts say.  So now begins another TWW.  Which means I'm going to test on Thursday August 19th.  So now begins the time when I have to watch everything I do, to make sure it's not something I shouldn't do when pregnant, but at the same time, try and stay occupied enough that I don't think about this 24/7.  So much fun to play this game. 

I have not tried to talk to Hubby again about the fertility clinic.  I'm sure he isn't going to change his mind.  And it really really annoys me that he is so set on his opinion that he doesn't even care to hear my concerns.  I just don't want to wait anymore.  I'm so tired of this roller coaster ride... and I know that by doing the Clomid with Timed intercourse doesn't mean we'd definitely get pregnant, but there's an 80% success rating within 4 months.  That's a hell of a lot better than what we got now.  I just want this to be done, I want to be pregnant. 

I got two invites for showers today.  Here's the best part, the two friends are having their showers in the same weekend, one Saturday, one Sunday.  They are the two that they're due mid-October, and late October... and I was due in the beginning of November.  So it's going to be a weekend from hell... I'm so happy for them, and it's so great that they are pregnant and all, but that weekend is going to constantly remind me that I'm not pregnant anymore.  I guess my only prayer to make it through that weekend is that I'm pregnant this cycle. 

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I went to the fertility clinic today.

So I went and talked with the fertility doctor.  They confirmed that the best course of treatment is Clomid.  They'd be ready to start me on 50mg next cycle.  I found out how much work is involved in taking it.  Basically I'd have to call them on CD 1, tell them I'm coming in for bloodwork and an ultrasound on CD 3.  They'll call me later that day and let me know the results, whether I can take the clomid on CD 5-9.  If they tell me I can't, that means there's some other issue that needs to be addressed as to why I cannot get pregnant.  If they tell me I can, then I do.  On CD 12 I'd have to go in for an ultrasound and bloodwork.  Depending on how big the eggs are, they'll do the bloodtest and see what my LH level is.  If it's above 30, then that means I'm going to ovulate and Hubby and I need to get it on.  If the LH isn't above 30, then I have to go back everyday until it is.  If it doesn't go above 30 on it's own, I'd have to take a shot of HCG, then go have sex. 

Hubby has decided he's not on board with this.  I don't know why exactly.  The only thing I can think of is it's too clinical for him.  Whenever this comes up, he keeps saying there's no romance to it.... Well no, after a year of trying, the romance of the idea is kinda gone.  Not only that, he keeps saying it should be "fun."  I stopped having "fun" after the miscarriage a few months ago.  This is not fun for me, taking OPK's and temping every morning is not "fun."  But I have to keep doing it, otherwise I don't know when my period is, or when I'm ovulating or when to test or anything.  So basically I feel like everytime he says that he's not on board with just getting treatment, I'm still in this prison.  Everything I do everyday revolves around where I am in my cycle, if I could be pregnant, or ovulating, or if my period is coming.  Yes, it's supposed to be easier, and yes it's supposed to be this fun thing that once you say you want kids, it just happens for you.  But it's not happening that way.  So I can either sit here and just wait and keep going how I'm going, keep temping every morning, holding my pee for 4 hours for days on end waiting for a positive OPK, getting excited everytime I see my temps stay up for more than 12 days, then feel like dying inside when they drop on 13 DPO.  Or I can go to a clinic and get help.  Gee, I guess Hubby chooses the first option, and I don't have a choice. 

The thing that pisses me off the most, I told him the doctor told me there's nothing "wrong."  I'm just not ovulating as often as most women do.  So that's why clomid would be good for me, more chances to get pregnant.  Well, Hubby took that as, there's nothing wrong, no need to go get treatment.  Treatment is a "last resort."  I seriously want to scream.  But I know how it's going to go, he's going to get mad and we'll yell it out... then he'll say if you really want to go, go.  But I want him to support me.  I don't want to have to scream at him and cry and make him feel bad to get him to come around to my point of view.  He wrote an email to me the other day saying, "Once you're pregnant, I'm your man, 100%.  I'll go get you ice cream at 2am, anything you need."  Why does it take me getting pregnant for that?  And I'm not even asking him to do anything.  I'm the one who is going to be poked and proded.  Not him.... his only responsibility in this is the give a sperm sample for analysis, get a blood test done, then have sex when the time comes.  What is so hard about that?  Seriously?  I would think this would be MY decision, not his.  I'm the one who's life has been completely lost in this whole process.  I mean, I don't drink on certain weeks, cuz I may be pregnant by then, I don't use certain products, I don't eat certain foods, I don't take certain meds.   I just really wish he'd see this from my point of view.  It sounded so nice today when the doctor told me if I started with clomid and all, no more temping, no more OPK's, no more HPT's.  I can't tell you how wonderful that sounds.  But, since Hubby isn't on board, guess I have to keep going.  Nothing else to do....  He's not going to come around.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Up so early today

So I am up super early.  Or at least super early for me.  I never get up before 8:30.  I was up at 7 today. 

I'm thinking I either got some weird mixed up symptoms, or I'm ovulating.  It feels really weird right now.  I am getting tightness in my abdomen like I do before cramps for a period.  But I'm only on CD 17, so I don't think I'm starting my period.  I'm nervous about my appointment tomorrow.   I'm going to the fertility clinic and I can't help but think they are going to tell me that something is really seriously wrong, or that there's nothing they can do to help me.  I know it's highly unlikely, but I guess it's just the anticipation.  It's nerve-wracking to just sit here and wait for this appointment.

And to make it worse, Hubby refuses to go with me.  His mind is made up that if he doesn't go, it won't be any big deal, they'll tell me I just need some bloodtests, then clomid.  But he also thinks if he goes, then the doc will tell us we need to have IVF or IUI, with all the injections and everything that mainstream America thinks are fertility treatments, and in his mind, always ends with 6 kids or more all at once.  Can I just say, his ignorance does not equal my bliss?  And the worst part, he has told me that he knows these thoughts are irrational.

Tomorrow, I am hoping to go get a new bedroom set.  I need to go look at Value City or something.  I found something I really like at Roomstore, but Hubby mentioned me going and looking elsewhere.  I'm half tempted to just tell him I went and didn't see anything that would work for us.  Just so I don't have to run all over kingdom come looking for a set.  After the other night, we've both decided instead of waiting for us to pay off everything, we need a new set now.  Our boxspring is broken, so the bed sags, and it doesn't have any support at all.  Not only that, we're debating between a queen and king bed, which would be much better than the full size bed we have now.  We have room for a king, but I'm not sure I want to sacrafice that much floor space.  So I guess I'm going to do measurements later today, see how it looks.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

A different type of waiting

So now I'm waiting to ovulate, and waiting to go to the fertililty clinic.  I am hoping to ovulate before I go, since the day I go would be CD18.  And to be honest, if I have an early ovulation this month too, I'm going to be a lot more optimistic than I have been in the past.  I've been taking OPK's for 4 days now, just to make sure I don't miss it.  I just have a feeling it's going to be like last cycle, around day 19 or so.  My body will probably prove me wrong, since it likes doing that so much now, but we'll see.  I'm going to talk to the fertility clinic about what else I can do, mainly if they think a fertility monitor would be beneficial.  If they say they believe it would greatly improve my chances, then I may go get one.  The only reason I didn't do it this cycle is because I would have gotten it sometime after CD 5 and in order to use it, you have to start it before CD5.  So I just decided not this month.  Hubby doesn't know it yet, but I think I'm going to start seducing him about everyday until I confirm O. 

On a side note, it seems like everywhere I look, everything I read, every show I watch, has something to do with people who are pregnant, having a baby, or just had a baby.  It's driving me crazy!  It seems like it comes and goes in waves... I'm just noticing everything baby right now... and it doesn't help that I went shopping for friends, babyshower and 1st birthday, I get coupons/emails constantly for babies r' us now all the time... Not to mention everytime I search anything on the computer, google or ebay or amazon, brings up baby stuff, because they pull from the cookies on your computer.  Stupid Crap!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

CD 7 and counting...

So I got my period... this last week has been ridiculously busy.  Hubby got the new position and started the new shift.  It's weird for him to leave before I'm even off work.  It creates a few challenges.  Mainly, I don't want him leaving without eating something.  At least then I know he got one good meal instead of fast food or just a sandwich.  He doesn't eat when he comes home from work, so I feel like he only gets two meals a day when he's working, I'd like to make sure one is a good hearty meal.  So today has been spent making a bunch of meals that I can freeze, then just get out of the freezer the day before, thaw and cook.  Simple.  I found a bunch of crockpot meals too that I can do on those days.  I have 3 meals done, 2 are cooking now, then I have three more to make.  So I'll have about 8-10 meals (depending on how many servings I get out of these next recipes.  I've never made them before, so I'm trying to figure it out. 

I have an appt with the fertility clinic next Wednesday.  I asked Hubby to go with me, but I don't know if he will or not.  He's still in the thinking that we don't need to seek help until it's been a year since the miscarriage.  I sort of agree.  I just want to talk with someone, find out what the course of treatment would be and how much it would cost.  I mean, if they say I just need clomid, then I just want to know what would be involved in it.  I've heard it's a lot of ultrasounds and bloodtests on specific days, so they can monitor how it affects you.  And if the testing they have to do is going to take months, I almost feel like I'd like to start it in Nov/Dec, before my deductible for health insurance resets.  I'm kinda peeved... I really wanted to buy a fertility monitor, clearblue easy was the one I was looking at.  It says you have to start it before CD 5.  So I had the money, I was ready to go and get it on CD 3.  I just knew Hubby wouldn't be happy about it.  So I didn't go get it.  And now I'm confused about my cycle and when I should start taking OPKs.  Since the miscarriage, I've had three cycles.  The first was 37 days, the next was 41 days, and this last one was 31 days.  I kinda feel like all over the place, and I'm wondering if this cycle is going to be shorter, or the same as the last one.  So I think I'm going to start OPK's either tomorrow or Monday, just to be safe.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

No AF

Granted, today is only 12dpo, and I'm happy it hasn't happened yet.  12 days is too short of a luteal phase.  I have been spotting more though.  I broke down this morning and tested, negative.  And so negative there was no room for doubt.  Granted I didn't sleep much last night... and I don't know if that effects your test results, like maybe the body doesn't process everything as well if you don't sleep (I doubt it, but eh, I'm grasping at straws here).  So I'm pretty sure this isn't my month. Which also means my psychic reading was wrong.  It said I'd have a baby girl in March 2011... which means I'd be pregnant this cycle, since my EDD would be March 28th.  But, c'est la vie, eh? 

I'm going to make an appt on Monday with the fertility clinic.  I figure by then, I'll start my period.  So I'll know for sure I'm not pregnant.  I've been batting around the idea of getting a clearblue easy fertility monitor.  I'd love to be able to get an ovacue monitor, but they are very expensive, and it seems like nobody sells those things!  Obviously if I got an ovacue, I'd buy new probes, since they have an oral and a vaginal one.  But if I got a clearblue easy one, I can get it used, since it uses disposible strips, I'd just have to get new ones... Hubby isn't keen on it, just like he never is... I'm really trying not to go overboard, but for crying out loud, it's been over a year.  I'm done just waiting and seeing what happens.  Hopefully the next wait I'll have to do will be the 9 months to see my little baby. 

Friday, July 16, 2010

I didn't test.

My temp was only 97.52 this morning.  There's no point in wasting a test.  Not only that I've been spotting for a few days and today it was a little heavier.  I really wouldn't be surprised if I start my period today.  And at only 11dpo, that's not good.  Really it's not an ideal amount of time in the luteal phase.  I know there is a vitamin I can take to lengthen my luteal phase, but I think I'm going to wait until my period starts, then call and make a consultation with the fertility clinic. 

So I've decided I'll test tomorrow, IF...

my temp stays above 97.7.  If it's lower, I am not going to bother wasting a test, and I'm sure I'll get my period on Sunday or Monday.  But 11 DPO seems to be when my temp either goes up (when I got my BFP) or goes down (every other cycle I've had).  So I guess we'll see where my temp is tomorrow morning.  I'm using a target brand, so I think they have a pretty good rate at 2-3 days before your missed period.  I remember last cycle they were rated pretty good for early positives. 

And of course, I'm torturing myself this week watching baby week on Discovery Health.  I found out they actually film that NICU show where I am going to deliver... And I'm kinda happy, I picked that hospital because of their excellent NICU, just in case.  It's just kinda nice to see it's that good of a unit that the discovery channel picked them to be the focus of that show. 

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

All I have to do is make it to Friday Morning

I have decided I'm not testing until Friday morning at the earliest. I made a mistake in the last post, I'll be 11dpo, not 12. Not that big of a difference if you ask me. So Friday morning I'm going to take a test, but only if my temps go back up. At 4dpo, my temps went down, then way back up on 6dpo, and I was a little excited, then they just tanked again at 7dpo. And they've only gone down since. So I'm not really optimistic for this cycle. I say that every cycle. But I'm really not testing Friday morning if my temps don't go up. I feel weird. I'm not moody like I have been the last two cycles. Usually by now I have cramps too. But not this time. I'm kinda hoping my cycles are getting better. I ovulated on CD 19 this time, which is just amazing to me. The last time I ovulated that early was Oct 2009.


I'm actually scared to tell Hubby if we are pregnant. I almost don't want to tell him until after I'm 8 weeks. How horrible is that? And it's not because I think he'll be mad or anything. I know he'll be ecstatic. I just don't want to put him through the heartache if I have another m/c. I feel like I can't stop myself from knowing and dealing with it, but I can stop him from having to deal. I'm going to tell him obviously. It's just a thought that had actually crossed my mind a few times this week. Or maybe even don't tell him until after my first appt. I'm supposed to call my midwife immediately if I get a +HPT. Even though my last pregnancy was a blighted ovum, they don't want to take the chance that I have a progesterone deficiency or anything.

On the upside, Hubby got the transfer to the other department with the better schedule, and he was told this morning he starts on Monday! I'm so happy. I'm really hoping this means we get to see each other a little more. It's going to be hard on the days when we're both working, because he'll leave for work about an hour before I get off, then he'll be back bright and early, while I'm still sleeping. But it does mean that every two or three days, we get to spend 2 or 3 days together. So that is the definite bonus.

I'm trying to get our bedroom painted this weekend as well. It's this really cute color of purple/lavender right now, and it doesn't look like a grown-ups bedroom at all. So I'm going to paint it a dusty/grayish/blue color. I'm hoping it looks good. Is it bad I haven't bought the paint yet for one reason? If I'm pregnant I have to get the no VOC paint... LOL. It's so horrible. On a serious note, I do hate how for the last year+ my life has revolved completely around my cycles, if I could be pregnant, and waiting to find out. Like I've gone to weddings and haven't drank, I've not painted a room because I had to wait a few more days to see if I was pregnant... I'm just tired of it. I'm almost to the point of telling Hubby I'm done trying for a few months. Like going back to using condoms and really preventing pregnancy. With how prevalent infertility seems to be, I'm surprised there aren't more options available. Don't get me wrong, they've made huge strides with clomid, IVF, IUI, etc. But you mean to tell me the best and only way to confirm ovulation is by peeing on a stick or taking your temperature every morning? Really? We can put men on the moon but we can't come up with something a little less demoralizing for women to do to get pregnant?

Our neighborhood is having a yard sale this weekend. I went through all our stuff in the basement that we haven't unpacked since the move and have decided that almost all of it is going! So tomorrow I have to run to the store to get some price stickers for everything. Then Friday night I get to price everything. I'm hoping Hubby helps me out with some of it, even though he swears he won't. He doesn't want any part of it. Usually he says that but then he ends up helping. :)

Monday, July 12, 2010

A weekend full of running again

So we had a pretty busy weekend.  But it was good.  We had a dinner party with friends on Saturday night.  Then Sunday we went to the furniture store to look for a new bedroom set.  We found some that we like.  I guess now it's just a matter of finding the right mattress.  I love the tempurpedic mattresses.  Hubby is not so sold on them.  I think I may mention getting one off their website.  It's a little more, but at the same time, there's a 90 day trial period.  So if we decide we really don't like it after sleeping on it for a few weeks, we can take send it back.  I'm hoping Hubby gets some good sleep today, so he can sit and talk with me about it tonight.  If we can order it soon, we can have it by the end of next week.  Which would be very nice.  It means this weekend I would have to paint that bedroom and all.  With it being a two day weekend for Hubby, that would be really good, cuz he would be here, and conscious enough, to help me.

So I'm 7DPO and I have a different symptom than usual.  I"m getting the sore chest, cramping, bloated, just like I have been each cycle since the m/c.  But now I'm noticing since two or three days ago, lots and lots of creamy CM.  I've heard it can be a pregnancy symptom, but I'm trying not to get too excited or look too far into it.  I have 4 days left on a VIP trial I got for someone signing up for FF.  I have no idea of who, but if they read this, Thank you. LOL.  Basically I'm going to test on Friday morning.  I figure that's 12DPO and that'll be a pretty acurate result.  I'm pretty sure we aren't though.  And I say that everytime and it still doesn't stop me from getting excited in a few days.  So if I don't post again until Friday, it's because I'm trying not to drive myself crazy.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

3rd cycle past m/c, O'd on CD 19

And I am so happy about that!  I can't even really remember the last time I had a 33 day cycle... I think it was more than a year ago.  But I'm just happy I have one now.  I don't think it'll be our month though.  Since FF moved my O day from CD 18 to 19, we had sex on CD 16 and 19... I don't think that's all that good.  But I guess we'll see.  I'm not going to test until next Saturday at the earliest.  They'll be CD 31, or 12DPO.  If I get a negative there, I know it's really negative.  Not to mention I have enough going on right now to keep me busy and not really think about it.  I've been working out and I just started weight watchers again.  I don't know what's going on, but after the m/c I've been gaining weight, even though I've been watching what I eat, and working out more.  So I figure WW would give me that structure that worked for me in the past, and if I don't end up losing more weight, I will have a food diary that I can share with a doctor to find out what's going on. 

I also have an eye doctor appt this afternoon.  I talked with them the last time about getting vision correction surgery.  I'm hoping that if I'm not pregnant this cycle, I may be able to get it done in the next cycle.  Which means we wouldn't be able to try, depending on the timing of the surgery.  From what I understand, if I get a consultation done and get approved for it, I can have the surgery done as early as the Friday after the consult.  And since I can't wear my contacts for 2 weeks before the surgery date, I'm thinking I may stop wearing them, like today would be my last day.  Then that way, I'd be eligible for the surgery on July 30th.  So that would be on CD 12 of the new cycle, if I'm not pregnant this cycle.  Which from what I've been told, would mean as long as I didn't ovulate on CD 14-19, I'd be able to still try to get pregnant next cycle.  Even if I end up having to not TTC for next cycle, I think it would be worth it to get the vision correction done. I'm just hoping it's something we can afford to do.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

My temp went up...

So my temp went up this morning, and I'm pretty sure it'll stay up or go up a little more tomorrow morning.  Which means I missed the O window for the first time in 4 cycles.  By miss I mean I didn't get a +OPK.  If my temp keeps in the pattern that I just O'd, then I will have ovulated on CD 18 (which is a huge improvement from CD40).  And I seduced Hubby 2 days before O and one day after O... not the best odds, but better than no sex right?

Hubby had his interview this morning.  It went well, except one thing.  He was hoping to get the dayshift position that was open.  But they filled the position by transferring someone who was already in the department from Nights to Days.  So now there are two Nightshift positions open.  So if he gets the job, he will be on Nights still.  But he will have the 12 hour shifts, so at least he'll have more days off, so I may get to see him.  He actually called out of work tonight because he went out with friends to watch World Cup Soccer and is too tired.  *insert eye roll here*  Wish I could just call out of work because I wanted to do something fun... Everytime I do it, I get that little lecture from him.  He tells me it's different because I work from home.  I get it that working from home is a definite perk, but for crying out loud, it's still work!  LOL.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say I'm 2DPO, so I guess I'm officially in the TWW again...  Here we go with going crazy!

Monday, July 5, 2010

Cycle Day 19 and a possible O

First, just let me say it's been a bit since I posted, and this one is a long one! I still have to wait a few days to confirm, but I think today/yesterday I may have O'd.  I had some symptoms today, so I took an OPK, it was very dark, but not quite darker than the control line.  So I'm going to take another one tomorrow, depending on my temp.  If my temp goes up again, I pretty much know I O'd and pretty much missed it!  Which is odd for me.  I usually am a little more in tune with my body, just because I have to be with such irregular cycles.  But I did have tons of EWCM today.  So I'm really hoping that my temp stays low for a few more days... gives me some more time to suduce Hubby!  LOL. 

Speaking of Hubby, I'm sooo excited for him!  He has an interview to transfer departments within his company.  The transfer is lateral, so no pay increase or prestige, but a schedule that will mean I get to see him!  Currently he works thirds, and it is ridiculous.  Our days during the week pretty much follow this routine: He comes home as I am starting work, then he goes to sleep.  I get him up after I'm done work and dinner is made.  He eats dinner with me, hangs out for about an hour (if I'm lucky), then grabs a nap before work.  He leaves for work, I sit here alone for a few hours then go to bed.  So I literally see him for maybe 4 hours a day, if I'm lucky, and I sleep alone everynight.  If he gets this transfer, he'll most likely be on dayshift.  I cannot tell you how this will change our life!  Not only that, he'll be working 12 hour days, which means he'd work M, T, have off W, Th, then work F, Sat, Sun, then have off M, T, work W, Th, then have off F, Sat Sun.  Can I say how awesome it would be for him to have that many days off and be on day shift?  He'll be back in the land of the living!  No more grumpy Hubby because he's so tired all the time or because his sleep schedule is so off that even on his days off, he's awake at 3 am!  He tells me he's a shoe-in for the position (which he is the only one specifically trained for this position), so I'm just really hoping the end of the week brings good news!

The last few weeks have been BUSY!  I feel like I haven't stopped moving at all!  I joined a gym about three weeks ago, and I'm proud of myself, I've been going about 3 times a week since I joined.  I haven't lost any weight, and that irriatates me, but I've been going.  I think I really need to buckle down and watch my diet closer.  So that starts this week.  But outside of that, I've been revamping our yard.  After the miscarriage, I just had no desire to go out and work in the gardens anymore.  The weeds grew up and it was just horrible.  Not to mention after all that snow we had, a lot of my plants were just dead.  So today my in-laws came down and helped us pulled out a dead shrub in the front and replace it with some perrenials.  I love low maintenance flowers that come back every year!  So great!  I also put in some new edging and mulch along our walkway leading up to the house.  I figured if I make the house look better, maybe I'll feel better. 

I have a bunch of other stuff on my list of low-budget fix-ups.  I'm going to paint our Master Bedroom.  It's a lavendar/princess/little girl purple.  Don't get me wrong, I like purple, it's one of my favorite colors.  But in my bedroom, I want a more sophisticated look.  So I'm going to paint it a blue.  I'm just not sure if it's going to be a denim type blue (really rich and a little dark), or a steely/silvery blue (cornflower was my wedding color).  But I have to find a weekend when I can do the prep work and get it done.  I was hoping to do it this weekend, but it didn't happen.  Then there's the project of the front door.  I found out since our house is old, our door is not a standard size.  So to replace it, like I had originally planned, is going to mean ordering a custom door (which means $$$).  The plan has changed, and I'm just going to refinish the door we have.  Sand it down, new paint, new hardware, and I think it's going to look great.  Again, just have to find the time to work on it.