My weight loss journey

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Monday, January 25, 2010

I finally got news

My doctor called me tonight.  She confirmed that nothing was wrong on the ultrasound.  So no cysts, no issues with my uterus or anything, as far as they can tell.  Which is good.  So I asked if she could tell whether I had a period or not, like whether I should expect it soon.  She told me the lining of the uterus is very thin, like it would be before ovulation has started. So she said that leads her to believe that the 18 days of spotting I had recently was a period.  Not a regular one, but that it most likely was the only thing I was going to get.  So technically I'm on a new cycle.  But there's no way to tell if I'm going to ovulate or not.  So I'm charting my BBT, and just watching it to see if I get a temp rise.  My doctor basically said she'd recommend I go to a fertility specialist.  But because I'm younger than 30, she wouldn't push the issue.  That if my husband and I decided to wait and see what happens, she doesn't think it will be detrimental.  So I have to talk with him about whether we want to go, or just hold out. 

I'm having a battle between my emotions and my logical side.  My emotional side says to just go to the specialist and see what they say.  They could help me get pregnant sooner, and that's what I want.  But my logical side is telling me I'd be upset if I went and they said something like they didn't feel comfortable doing any treatments because we haven't been trying for a year yet.  Not only that, but that we haven't been trying a year.  We could get pregnant on our own, then we wouldn't put out the money for it. 

I've also decided that I don't think I have the ability to be in a friends wedding right now.  It's in September, so we're getting ready to start planning the parties and such.  I've been so emotional and distracted these last two months.  I don't know if my husband and I are going to go through fertility treatments, but if we do, I don't know how much our insurance covers.  And the dress she has chosen for us would not work if I do become pregnant before her wedding.  It's very fitted.  And it kills me, but I just don't think I can do it.  It's a pretty big commitment to be in a wedding, especially her's because she's like a sister to me.  I really want to be there for her.  I don't want to be sitting there having a pity party for myself, when all I want, and all I should be is happy for her.  It's her special day and I really don't want to dampen it.  I can barely hold myself together half the time right now.  With everything going on, I feel like I can't focus on anything else.  And to make it worse, I feel selfish for feeling this way.  I feel like I should be able to just push past this and be there for her.  And that makes me feel worse.  I think I'm going to think about this for another day or so before I say anything to her.  I really don't want to make a decision in haste and regret it later.

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