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Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Well, this chapter is over.

So last night/early this morning, I had a miscarriage.  It took about an hour.  I'm assuming it's over because my midwife told me the bleeding and cramping would subside when all the tissue was expelled.  Since I'm not having cramping anymore, I'm figuring I had a complete miscarriage.  It stunk because I was here by myself.  Hubby went to work last night and his phone died.  So I couldn't get in touch with him until after everything was done.  I was so scared something would be wrong and I'd have to call 911 instead of having him here with me to just take me to the hospital.  But everything turned out ok and I'm doing alright considering. 

I really want to call my mom and tell her what's going on, but I'm worried how they'll take it.  I know our families will be supportive, I just don't want to make them feel the way I feel.  I almost feel like it's my burden, and my problem to deal with, not theirs.  Not only that, how could I sit here and tell them, "Oh we were pregnant, but we miscarried.  So sorry, I know you were hoping for a grandbaby this year, but not going to happen."  The situation is just horrible, whether I keep it to myself and just suffer in silence or if I share and depress the families too. 

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Ambiguous/Bad News

So I had my ultrasound last Wednesday.  I was pumped, but at the same time had a feeling something was wrong.  Unfortunately I was right, something is wrong.  I was told on Wednesday that I most likely have a blighted ovum.  So I've been crying for about 4 days now.  I had to get through a visit to my family, and my sister telling a story about a family friend being happy that she wasn't pregnant after getting a +HPT.  I made it though.  After getting some blood testing done on Thursday, my HCG levels are about 30k.  So my midwife has decided to treat me as if I'm still pregnant with a viable pregnancy until proven otherwise.  So I'm really trying to continue drinking a lot of water, take my vitamins, and since my body thinks I'm pregnant, I'm dealing with nausea (which I was told was a good sign), mild cramping, peeing constantly, and generally being uncomfortable.  I keep trying to tell myself that if I still have symptoms, I still have a chance of this pregnancy being viable.  But I'm finding it harder and harder to convince myself.  And now I have to wait two weeks before I get another scan.  It's getting harder and harder to concentrate on work and just getting things done around the house.  The only time I had a little relief this past week was when I played volleyball with my team the other day.  And even though I know there isn't anything I can do to prevent a miscarriage, and there isn't anything I did wrong, I still feel like it's my fault.  It's completely irrational and I know that, but I can't stop from thinking it.  And I know Hubby is trying to cope too, and he doesn't get how it's affecting me... He keeps telling me I have to get out of this "funk" I'm in.  I know eventually it'll get better, but right now I just want to be upset, I want to just get it out.  I hate the fact that in my family I'm usually the strong one.  Because it always means when something happens to me, I'm still the strong one. 

And on top of all this, I have a friend who is a night owl, like I used to be before Baby took over my body.  We used to talk at night all the time.  Since I've been passing out early, I haven't talked to her too much lately.  I told her I'm just so tired lately.  So early last week she texts me to let me know what weekend is good to get together (I was going to tell her I'm pregnant when we hang out next).  I wasn't home and didn't text her back immediately.  I forgot to text her.  So a few days later, Thursday morning, she texts me "Not talking to me now?"  I tell her rough doesn't describe the week I'm having and I don't want to talk about it.  She asks my dad what's going on.  He calls me to make sure everything is ok.  Then she calls another friend to ask what's going on and if I'm mad at her.  This friend told her I wasn't mad at her, I was just having a rough time right now.  So she asks if it's some "pregnancy thing" and my friend says yes.  So I get an email later that night saying she can't relate to me and isn't even going to try.  And to get through this, get myself back on track and then call her.  I know what she was trying to say.  After knowing her for 20 years, I know she's trying to say she's there if I need her and she's trying not to say she knows what I'm going through.  But the way she writes things, she doesn't read them to see how the other person is going to take it.  Prime example, a friend told her she was pregnant about a day after getting the +HPT, and her comment was, "Well it's still early and you could miscarry."  Not congrats, not OMG that's great.  I am seriously fighting the urge to make her feel like shit and just say, "I'm having a miscarriage, so no, you can't relate.  And for your sake I hope you never can."  As if I don't feel like crap enough, I gotta deal with this too.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

So Tired!

This morning was not fun.  I took my prenatals, ate breakfast, then got nausea so bad it wasn't even funny.  Didn't actually get sick, but man did it feel horrible.  The only way I can describe it, the feeling you get right before you get sick, and you know if you go ahead and throw up you'll feel better, but I know it wouldn't feel better.  I'd have to force myself to eat again.  Thank goodness I had some crackers, then a peanut butter sandwich with a banana.  Finally it went away.  But now I'm so tired and just exhausted!  I wanted to take Puppers for a walk on my lunch break since it's supposed to rain here later, but I couldn't even get off the couch!  I just slept for 45 min!  I am worried she won't get her walk today... she didn't get one yesterday because it was raining, so I know she's getting cabin fever.  Hopefully I feel better after I get done work.  I am very tempted to wake Hubby up and send him out to the store to get me a soda.  I haven't had any caffeine today.  I'm getting a serious headache.  I know I'm not supposed to have too much caffeine, but 1 can of soda won't hurt. 

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Ugh!

So today has been a real trial.  I have been on edge.  Hubby plays kickball with friends downtown in a league.  We took puppers this morning to the game.  She just about tore my arm off while I was trying to hold her leash.  Then I was ready to go after the game, since we had other things to do today.  But Hubby was ok with just sitting there talking and BS'ing with friends.  I was really ready to leave him at the field.  Then we went to a birthday party for hubby's cousin's child.  I was so tired!  And I didn't want to bring Puppers to that... but Hubby insisted.  So we brought her, and she was a constant pain.  She kept running in the mud and water.  Thank goodness she was pretty much dry by the time we drove home.  Not only that, today was a horrible day as far as symptoms go.  I felt like crap all day, was extremely constipated, and so tired by the time we got back home, I took a nap.  Hubby just left to go play poker with friends, and I'm really tempted to go to bed.  I can't wait, just two weeks and we tell our parents and I can complain to my mom about how crappy I feel.  Not like she can do much from an hour away, but I can complain and maybe feel better. 

Other than that, I changed my midwife yesterday.  I got an appt with the one I wanted originally.... But it's not until 4/13.... So I'm kinda bummed, but it's still early.  So my first appt with her will be when I'm 10 weeks.  I'm hoping that even though I cancelled my appt with the midwives at the one hospital, they'll let me keep my ultrasound appt I made.  I'm going to call on Monday and try to confirm.  If they tell me it was cancelled because I switched docs, then I'll just have to wait I guess.  We're telling our parents in 2 weeks, and I was joking that since my Sis works at an ultrasound/MRI place, she would prolly pull me into the office that day if I hadn't had one yet.  LOL.  I'm also debating about taking one of those gender tests you can buy in the stores. Just for fun.  But I really don't think Hubby will go for it.  I had talked to him about getting a machine that we could hear the heartbeat, but I don't think he'll go for that either.  LOL.  I know most of these things are bunk, I just want to try them because I'm excited I think.  I wouldn't put much stock in the results of the tests, but I think it would be cool just to do for fun.  The heartbeat thing, I though would be cool if we could do that when we tell our parents.  I think they'd enjoy it. 

Thursday, March 18, 2010

It's been a while

It's been almost a week since my last post.  I've been so tired it isn't funny.  I'm happy Hubby is on day shift this week.  He's been going to bed early and it gives me an excuse!  Since we haven't told too many people, and I have a few friends that are very used to me being a night owl and talking on the phone or internet, I'm saying that I'm going to bed early because I'm up at 6am with Hubby.  LOL.  Liar!  :) 

We're going for an ultrasound Wednesday.  I'm excited.  I told Hubby he has to be awake and go with me.  We've been having issues.  The midwife I chose had rave reviews, but I've had to call in a few times to the office, and it's a PITA to get in touch with anyone there.  Plus the hospital we would be delivering at has just had a rash of negligence and malpractice claims.  Not related to OB's or midwives, but Hubby is nervous about the quality of care.  So I think I'm going to look into a different midwife.  The difference between the one I'm going to now and the one I really want to go to is only $400.  So I'm going to talk to Hubby about that tonight. 

We are supposed to tell our parents on Easter weekend.  I would like to tell them sooner!  I don't want to wait.  I'm a very impatient person. LOL.  I think it may be best to wait until Easter because I love the way we want to tell them. We're going to make up Easter Baskets with some baby items in those plastic eggs.  So I need to run out to the $store tonight and get the stuff before it's all gone!

Friday, March 12, 2010

So the new test results are in

Everything is normal and my HCG levels are at about 5k.  Which is good for how far along I am.  I actually stopped and thought today, I'm almost 6 full weeks pregnant... That's a month and a half.  And for some reason, that just blew my mind.  Just thinking that I only have 7 and a half months left before I'm Mommy.  It made me smile. 

So Hubby and I are on a trip for a friend's wedding.  OMG way too long in the car!  I've been trying to keep up with drinking lots of water and for crying out loud I think we stopped about 15 times.  I've decided I can't wait until we tell our parents in a few weeks, if for no other reason, just so I can complain to my mom about how I'm feeling.  Something in my head says that will make me feel better.  And, I all of a sudden feel very fat.  I was really bloated yesterday and I am a little today, but yesterday was bad.  I was in a bad mood because of it too.  Worst thing about it, I know I'm supposed to look fat for another couple weeks!  LOL.  It's all in my head, but that doesn't stop me from having a little freak out about it.  Also, I have been having acne like I'm 15 again.  I really feel sorry for Hubby.  He thinks when we go home on Sunday that we aren't stopping more than 2 times.  HA!  Silly Hubby.  LOL.  Plus being that we are on this trip, I don't have my puppers with me, and I know not having her here, directly affects my mental state! She's my comic relief and I can't wait to get her back on Sunday!  But she's staying with the 'rents and I know they are spoiling her to no end! 

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

First Appt

So I had my first appt today.  It was just talking with a nurse about family history and such.  She sent me for more blood tests and I'm supposed to call on Friday to get the results.  I have an ultrasound on Wednesday 3/24.  That's also my first appt with my midwife.  I guess I'm telling my boss before I tell our parents... There's no way they are going to give me leeway on 3 Wednesdays in a row.  But Wednesday is our slow day, so that's why I keep scheduling for that day.  But she did say everything looks good so far, so I guess we're going to just keep going.  We're leaving for a friend's wedding in the morning... 8 hours in the car, I know I'm going to have to stop about 20 times for bathroom breaks! LOL.  Hubby is not going to like it.  But Oh Well!  LOL

Monday, March 8, 2010

Numbers are in

So I got my results back from Sunday.  My HCG levels were 1997, which means they did double, which means the bleeding really may have been nothing.  So I'm cautiously excited.  The midwife told me to make an appt for an ultrasound and the way she said it, "Hopefully they'll be able to get you in on Monday or Tuesday."  But when I called the Perinatal center today, they wouldn't schedule me for another 2 weeks.  They kept saying nothing will come up on the scan.  So after I argued with them a bit, I just gave in.  I have an appt on Wednesday with Women's Health and I'll just deal with it then.  If they want me to have one sooner, I'll have them call over there to explain what they want done.  But for now, I'm happy.  I've been having some more cramping, not bad though, just comes and goes.  More like tightness.  Then I've been having other symptoms off and on.  I've had nausea off and on too, it's been pretty bad lately.  So I guess it's a good sign.  I also found out through office gossip that two other ladies in my department are early in pregnancy too.  I'm worried if I don't put in for my leave before them, I may catch flack.  I know my boss has to give me the time off, but it doesn't mean they have to make it easy.  I'm tempted to wait until the end of this month then spill the beans to work, apply for my leave.  That way I don't have to worry about it.  I'm also curious who the other girls are... My source wouldn't divulge names.... LOL

Saturday, March 6, 2010

I'm really scared.

I started bleeding Friday morning.  It was a very bright red gush.  It wasn't a lot, it wasn't as heavy as a period, but it was enough to make me call the doctor.  They told me to go to the ER.  So I did.  The ER sent me to L&D.  I had a blood test done.  My hcg came back as 991.  I thought that was good for 4w3d.  But the midwife kept saying since I was 6w along, I should of had an hcg over 1000.  I tried to explain that I was only 4w3d because I ovulated on February 16th.  She kept saying, "Yeah, you have to add two weeks to that for the proper timing."  I'm not a moron, 2/16 was 2w3d from the day I went to the hospital.  So I don't know.  Either way, she has me coming back to the hospital tomorrow and getting another blood test done.  I have to call tomorrow night for my results.

I'm scared and nervous.  I've been having some more spotting, mostly really dark brown.  I've had some cramping, but I could tell it isn't like AF cramps, it's because I'm constipated.  I bled a little more than spotting earlier when I had a bowel movement.  But I haven't had any cramps since the bowel movement.  From everything I've read, if I were having a miscarriage, I'd know.  The cramps are extreme, there's a lot of bleeding (more than a pad in an hour).  I haven't had anything like that.  But it doesn't mean I won't.  That's what is scaring me the most.  I've also read that if I was having a miscarriage, my pregnancy symptoms would stop almost immediately.  So I'm still bloated, my boobs are still sore to the touch, but not all the time.  I am concerned about this, but at the same time, it's been like this the whole time.  My chest is sore, but not all the time.  It comes and goes.  Same with the bloating and cramps I was having.  I'm just hoping all is good tomorrow with my tests.  I need my hcg to be about 2000 according to the midwife.  I'm hoping whichever midwife I talk to tomorrow to get my results will listen to me about how I'm only 4w5d now, not 6w along.  Considering that the hcg doubles every two days or so up until 6 weeks, I'm hoping it's more than 2k.  I've been trying so hard not to worry and not to stress, because I know it isn't good for me or baby, if it's still there.  Also I know the more I stress, the more Hubby stresses.  He's worried and I know it.  He doesn't handle this kind of stress too well.  He does when the event is happening, but there is usually an aftermath where he needs to just let it all out.  So bless him because he's being strong for me now, but if it's bad news we get tomorrow, I'm really scared how it'll affect both of us.  I guess everyone who goes through something like this feels that way though.  It's some of your worst fears being realized, and you're just hoping it stops before the worst happens.  But if it does, I guess we'll just try again.  Not much else to do.  It's not like I could have done anything different to prevent what is happening.  I keep telling myself that, but it doesn't make me feel any better.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Bring it on!

So yesterday I was concerned, because the mild symptoms I had weren't really there.  No sore chest, no cramping, very little bloating.  Yeah, my uterus got the message.  Today, chest so sore I want to cry, cramps that have been coming and going, but definitely letting me know something is working down there.

Hubby and I have been arguing lately.  I've been causing some of the arguments, but some of it is just annoying.  I keep coming up with ways to tell our family, he keeps annoying me with his answers.  He has turned down every idea I've come up with.  And he wants to tell his parents first.  Which is only natural I guess, but I want to tell our parents together.  Plus I have a brother, sister and sister-in-law.  I want them to be there too.  It's more than our little house can take.  I'm really tempted to call the restaurant up the street and ask them how much it would cost for us to use their small banquet room.  Since it is close to Easter, I don't know if our families would think too much of it.  Not only that, I had thought of saying I wanted to do something to celebrate some other good news we got.  My dad is now in remission from Pancreatic Cancer.  It's been about a year of battling, but he beat it.  He found out this morning.  So I don't know what I want to do yet.  I'm also tempted to go to a local restaurant up where they live and get prices for their private rooms, or even an area that's private.  That way we can just say we want to go out to dinner and all.  Who knows.  I'll pitch the idea to him and see what he says. 

The other argument we have been having is because I want to be excited.  I'm pregnant for crying out loud, and it's our first.  I know there are chances of miscarriage and all that, and I'm cautious because of it.  But it's supposed to be an exciting time.  Hubby has been stressed because I did some shopping.  And I admit, today was a bit much, but I couldn't pass it up!  For those of you who don't already think I'm crazy... I painted our "nursery" about 5 months ago.  I was bored, needed a project and I knew eventually it would be a baby room.  So that part is done.  Here's the crazy thing.  I found maternity clothes on clearance, and they were pretty cute, so I decided to get them.  While I was there, I found a crib bedding set.  It matches the colors I painted the walls already!!! And it's Teddy Bears, the theme I want.  So I got it.  I got a discount on it, and I got it.  But it was way more than I originally was planning on spending.... Hubby was not, and still isn't, too happy with me.  But it's completely gender neutral and so cute!!! It was the last one they had! I couldn't leave it there!  So I guess I need to do some serious scaling back now... no new purchases for me for a few months... :(  Unless of course they are pre-authorized through Hubby.  But I don't see that happening anytime soon.  So I guess if I want cutsy baby stuff, I gotta wait till we tell the parents and go with them! LOL.  I know that won't happen either.  Eh, a girl can dream.  There's just so much to get and think about, that I'd feel better kind of accumulating it little by little instead of trying to buy it all at once later and have some sticker shock!