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Sunday, March 28, 2010

Ambiguous/Bad News

So I had my ultrasound last Wednesday.  I was pumped, but at the same time had a feeling something was wrong.  Unfortunately I was right, something is wrong.  I was told on Wednesday that I most likely have a blighted ovum.  So I've been crying for about 4 days now.  I had to get through a visit to my family, and my sister telling a story about a family friend being happy that she wasn't pregnant after getting a +HPT.  I made it though.  After getting some blood testing done on Thursday, my HCG levels are about 30k.  So my midwife has decided to treat me as if I'm still pregnant with a viable pregnancy until proven otherwise.  So I'm really trying to continue drinking a lot of water, take my vitamins, and since my body thinks I'm pregnant, I'm dealing with nausea (which I was told was a good sign), mild cramping, peeing constantly, and generally being uncomfortable.  I keep trying to tell myself that if I still have symptoms, I still have a chance of this pregnancy being viable.  But I'm finding it harder and harder to convince myself.  And now I have to wait two weeks before I get another scan.  It's getting harder and harder to concentrate on work and just getting things done around the house.  The only time I had a little relief this past week was when I played volleyball with my team the other day.  And even though I know there isn't anything I can do to prevent a miscarriage, and there isn't anything I did wrong, I still feel like it's my fault.  It's completely irrational and I know that, but I can't stop from thinking it.  And I know Hubby is trying to cope too, and he doesn't get how it's affecting me... He keeps telling me I have to get out of this "funk" I'm in.  I know eventually it'll get better, but right now I just want to be upset, I want to just get it out.  I hate the fact that in my family I'm usually the strong one.  Because it always means when something happens to me, I'm still the strong one. 

And on top of all this, I have a friend who is a night owl, like I used to be before Baby took over my body.  We used to talk at night all the time.  Since I've been passing out early, I haven't talked to her too much lately.  I told her I'm just so tired lately.  So early last week she texts me to let me know what weekend is good to get together (I was going to tell her I'm pregnant when we hang out next).  I wasn't home and didn't text her back immediately.  I forgot to text her.  So a few days later, Thursday morning, she texts me "Not talking to me now?"  I tell her rough doesn't describe the week I'm having and I don't want to talk about it.  She asks my dad what's going on.  He calls me to make sure everything is ok.  Then she calls another friend to ask what's going on and if I'm mad at her.  This friend told her I wasn't mad at her, I was just having a rough time right now.  So she asks if it's some "pregnancy thing" and my friend says yes.  So I get an email later that night saying she can't relate to me and isn't even going to try.  And to get through this, get myself back on track and then call her.  I know what she was trying to say.  After knowing her for 20 years, I know she's trying to say she's there if I need her and she's trying not to say she knows what I'm going through.  But the way she writes things, she doesn't read them to see how the other person is going to take it.  Prime example, a friend told her she was pregnant about a day after getting the +HPT, and her comment was, "Well it's still early and you could miscarry."  Not congrats, not OMG that's great.  I am seriously fighting the urge to make her feel like shit and just say, "I'm having a miscarriage, so no, you can't relate.  And for your sake I hope you never can."  As if I don't feel like crap enough, I gotta deal with this too.

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