My weight loss journey

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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

What a horrible TWW

So I'm only 5 days into this, and I'm already ready for it to be over.  A few days ago, I really felt like I would just wait it out, no big deal.  I know how hard/long it was for us to get pregnant the first time, and I'm sort of jaded that it'll probably take that long again.  But now that I'm a few days into this TWW, it amazes me how I'm still excited about the idea that I could be pregnant again.  Especially after m/c I thought I'd be more scared about getting pregnant again, and I guess if I do get pregnant right away I'll be a little scared, but I just can't stop myself from being excited as the prospect.  Which from a logical point of view, worries me... How weird is that?  It worries me that I'm not worried.  LOL  So dumb!

Monday, April 26, 2010

Another TWW

So my last post was about a week ago.  And I apologize, this is a long post.

Not a whole lot has changed.  I ovulated a few days ago, which was exciting.  I was really expecting it to be longer.  I had just convinced myself I'd be calling the midwife in Mid-May and have to go through all these test and all again.  Hubby and I haven't been as careful as we were instructed to be... so I may be on my way to pregnancy number 2 as we speak, but only time will tell.  According to FF, I'm supposed to test on Mother's Day... which would be 16 days after ovulation.  I think I'll cave and test sooner.  I need to find my coupon for FRER so I can run out and get another one.  I think if I don't have any symptoms or anything, I'll test Saturday, 5/8 if I don't have AF.  If I get symptoms like last time (the first one was Hubby couldn't do anything right and it took everything I had not to make him completely miserable), I'll test at 12dpo, which puts my testing on Wednesday, 5/5. 

Right now Hubby and I are working on getting some things done around the house.  We have so many projects that are little projects and wouldn't cost a whole lot to do, but I can't do them alone.  I need his help.  And I just can't seem to get him to help me on the ones I want done.  It seems like when I figure one  out, he finds some reason why we can't/shouldn't do it right now.  It's driving me insane!  Our house only has one bathroom, and it's very outdated.  My updates I want to do aren't anything that would make it unusable (except the shower it would be unusable for about 48 hours).  Hubby said to put that on the back burner because we want to build a small addition, just a mud room and half bath, onto our kitchen/backyard area.  He said it would make it so much easier if we just focus on the addition first, then the bathroom.  So I started doing all my research and Hubby decides we're going to have to push the project back to the fall.  Because now it's going to cost more than what he originally thought.  He drives me bonkers, because when I tried to tell him it's going to be an expensive project, he didn't agree.  Now that he convinced me to work on it, he doesn't want to do it.  He also does stuff like comes up with ideas, then once he gets me on board, tells me to call the places.  So it's like, ok, I'll do all the research, once the research is done, I'll go get all the stuff, then I'll do the work.  Gee thanks for being a manager, but I don't need one.  I need a helper/partner in this endeavor.  And he gets mad saying I need to just push him a little.  What the hell makes him think I have the energy to push him at all?  I barely have the energy to make it through everything I need and want to get done!

Before I complain about this next part, I need to put the disclaimer that Hubby is a great guy and he works very hard and long hours.  And he does a lot around the house for me, he empties the dishwasher/loads it most of the time, takes care of the grass and all that.  But it just seems like if I list what he does and what I do around here, it's so lopsided!  And like I said, I know he works long hours and it's a hard shift, he does manual labor, I work at a computer all day.  But he seems to think that just because I work at a computer all day I should be able to get all this stuff done around the house.  I mean, I cook every night, I do most of the cleaning, all of the laundry.  I ask him to do little things, like take out the garbage, recycling.  When he asks me to do things that really he should do, he gets mad if I forget.  Well what am I supposed to do?  And not only that, I wake myself up with an alarm clock every morning.  I get myself up for work.  He doesn't always call to make sure I'm awake and all that.  But I have to wake him up before his shift.  And he gets upset if I just yell up the stairs instead of actually walking up there and waking him up.  As if I'm not doing a million things as is.  Prime example, tonight, I had some errands to run after work.  I made dinner, ate it in about 5 min (which was not easy and I'm def regretting that now), and took care of my stuff.  I get home, all the dinner dishes are still out.  Granted, the dishwasher was running from when I had started it earlier, but still!  Clean the pans or something.  Do the general clean up.  And he tells me that he needs me to take care of freezing some meat that we bought this weekend because it needs to be done today.  He watched TV the whole time I was gone.  He could have done it.  But he waits and tells me it needs to be done.  And he always says, "I hate to put something else on you, but..."  Whenever his sentences start that way, I just want to scream. 

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Friends are pregnant

So I had an inkling that one of the wives in Hubby's group of friends was a certain poster on a message board I used to be on.  Turns out it was her.  She's 10w pregnant now.  She and I would have been due within a week of each other.  She had a previous m/c so I'm really happy for her.  We didn't know they were trying again.  I also found out there is someone else in our group of friends that is pregnant (but Hubby can't remember who), and a few others are TTC'ing.  I guess our group is growing up. 

I would have been 11w yesterday.  Just stinks.  I can't help but feel a little resentment for those who are pregnant right now.  I'm not being mean or rude to anyone who tells me they are, it's just internal.  More of a jealousy.  Wish I still was.  And can't wait to be pregnant again. 

Outside of that, had about 4 out of 5 symptoms that I was ovulating, which I don't know if it was actually possible before I have a period after m/c, but that's what it felt like.  So I took an OPK, there wasn't even a second line.  I couldn't help but laugh at myself.  I don't even know what's going on with my body.  I'm still all out of whack.

Monday, April 19, 2010

It comes and goes

So I'm not sitting here teary all the time, but it definitely comes and goes.  I find myself sad when I have way too much time to sit and think.  So I'm attempting to keep myself busy.  It doesn't help that I live a decent distance from most of my friends.  And not only that, my friends aren't really the go out and do stuff type it seems.  Like don't get me wrong, my friends are great.  It just seems like when we all get together, we go to like restaurants and talk.  I need to get a buddy to go out and do stuff with.  I don't shop too much, but now that it's getting warmer, I want to get into kayaking again.  I used to love it.  There's a state park not far from me that rents Kayaks by the day/week.  So I can't wait until I get a nice day when I don't have to work so I can run over there and check it all out.  I think it'll help me a lot.  Not to mention it's a great workout. 

I tried to start running, yeah, that's not happening.  I'm just not a runner.  I'm not built for it and my lungs kept telling me no.  Seems like the only time I have to use my inhaler anymore is when I try to run any decent distance.  I even tried just building myself up to running more, it didn't work either.  Got dizzy and started getting those spots flying in front of me.  I know that means I'm going to pass out, so I had to stop.  I am just going to have to find something else to do.  I did start Weight Watchers again, and already down 1lb!  LOL.  Hopefully this will give me something else to focus on.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Stupid media

I'm not an emotional person... Little things don't get me weepy.  Today has felt like a barrage and it just sucks.  It is two weeks and one day since I miscarried, and for some reason today everything and everyone is pregnancy related... I am addicted to friends, and of course the ones on my tivo that come up first are the ones where Pheobe is pregnant with the triplets.  Then the ones where Rachel is pregnant... So I stopped watching that... Then I get an email from a website I was ordering pregnancy tests from and I just realized I'm going to have to buy some more soon... and I probably won't get a + off of any of them...  And it seems like everything on tv is about pregnant women... Then I turn on the radio, figuring that's safe.  I've heard the commercial about a woman walking and she says she's not alone.  She's got a "walking companion right here in (her) pregnant belly."  It's a March of Dimes commercial.  I just feel so done right now.  I feel like I can't win.  I just want to sit here and cry. 

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Its getting better

So I haven't posted in a few days.  I've been dealing with all the changes that go along with my body figuring out there isn't a pregnancy any longer.  It's been hard.  Everything is just sore.  I've been trying to get myself back to more normal, but now I'm also carrying around 5lbs more than I was pre-pregnancy. Mostly from the eating I did after/during the miscarriage.  I wasn't exactly counting calories.  But Hubby and I are going to start WW this weekend.  I did WW for about a year and a half or so and I had some pretty good results on it, especially considering I didn't follow it exactly.  I lost about 20lbs.  Then gained it all back.  :(  So along with this, I'm going to join a gym I think, but I'm going to wait until after my midwife lets me know everything is ok.  I have an appt next week with her.  I had thought about just starting to try running.  I read a way to ease yourself into it, basically you get to the point you can walk briskly for 30 min easily, which I can do.  Then you start where 3 times the first week you run 1 min, walk 1.5 min, and repeat 8 times.  Then the second week you increase your run time and decrease your walk time.  Then you keep going for about 7 or 8 weeks and when you're done, you're running/jogging for 30 min.  So I think I'm going to try that.  I think Puppy would get the most benefit out of that.  I'm going to concentrate on getting myself back into shape... It'll only help is the way I'm seeing it.  It'll distract me for right now and it'll be better for me and baby whenever I do get pregnant again.  Who knows, it may even help me get pregnant faster.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Today sucked

Ugh! So I had to take Misoprostol today.  My midwife thought I hadn't passed all the tissue.  Can I just say today was the worst pain I've been in, for as far back as I can remember.  Basically it started contractions.  So I could feel them getting closer together and stronger as the day went on.  It lasted about 8 or 9 hours before the pain was manageable again.  And when my midwife told me it wouldn't hurt that bad, and it wouldn't be worse than PMS cramps, she LIED!!  I was in so much pain today the Hubby was lost.  He didn't want to leave the house for fear of what might have happened if he left me alone for more than 5 min.  I would have thought it was sweet if I wasn't in so much pain. 

I'm a little upset.  I asked my midwife yesterday when Hubby and I could start ttc again.  She said she wants me to wait until I have the first cycle after m/c then two more cycles.  That puts us trying in June/July.  I don't think I can wait that long.  I'm going to talk with Hubby about it, but I think we'll wait until I have a cycle after this, then start ttc'ing again if he's ok with it.

I guess on the brighter side, I can get some of the projects I wanted to do done now.  A lot of them require heavy lifting and some pretty decent manual labor.  I know I can't count on Hubby to do them.  Don't get me wrong, I love him to death, but Mr. Fix-it he isn't.  He can fix a lot of mechanical things, but as far as carpentry/painting and other household upgrades, he's not so good. LOL.  I'm debating about what the first project will be.  I think it's going to be pulling up the carpet in the second bedroom.  That way it's done and I don't have to worry about it.  Then after that, maybe painting the bedroom (since it's this awful little girl pastel purple) or remodeling the bathroom, since it's cabinets that are falling apart and a god awful orange color).  The bathroom project scares me though.  We only have one bathroom so I can't completly tear it out, but I'd love to redo the tile in the shower... Whoever decorated this house before us was not so good at it.  Gray tile with flowers and orange paint...