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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

And the first phase of waiting begins....

So now I sit, waiting for ovulation.  Day 14 today, which for most would mean ovulation has occurred, is occurring or will occur soon.  For me, it mostlikely means I still have about a 6-15 day wait.  :(  It's weird to have such a broad spectrum to figure out when ovulation is going to happen...  I'm looking into a Clear blue easy monitor.  I've heard good and bad, but really, I can find these for $50 on ebay (originally $150), where as the ovacue (which I would really love to use, since it appears to be more accurate), runs about $300.  But with Ovacue, you don't have to buy test strips.  So I guess it's really worth it if it takes longer than a few cycles to get pregnant.  But, nobody is selling these used (obviously I'd buy new probes since it uses an oral and vaginal probe).  I'm just hoping Hubby doesn't get mad at me if I get one... I'm not spending over $50, so I'm pretty sure I won't get one, unless I get lucky as hell.  If I get one, I just don't know how to tell him I got it.. He's already not happy that I use OPK's.  He doesn't realize it's not like my pee turns a different color or something if I'm ovulating... Like my body gives me signs, but the issue is, my body is screwed up, and I get these signs a few times each cycle.  Usually, about the time I give up trying to interpret the signs, is when I ovulate.  Watch, what will happen is I'll win an auction and buy the stupid monitor, and I'll find out I'm pregnant.  Which believe me, I won't be complaining, but that's the irony that is so prevelant in my life.

Friday, June 25, 2010

News from the doc

So I went and saw my midwife, only for a yearly exam, but still, got more news.  I talked with her about whether I should go to a fertility clinic or not.  She basically said it comes down to how desperate I am.  I'm not really sure.  We talked about how much goes into using clomid and such as well.  I didn't realize there were more ultrasounds and monitoring and all that.  I'm not sure I can do it with my work schedule right now. 

I was just talking with Hubby about it and telling him I was thinking of going for a consultation in August.  That way I can get all the information, know what the options are.  I figure if I'm not pregnant by the end of September or October, I can go back and start the process.  But that also gives me about 13 weeks to lose more weight, get into shape and see if that helps my cycles.  I mean, if I can lose the weight and my cycles regulate, then I may not need clomid at all.  But when I tell Hubby about my plan (since in the last argument we had, he basically said he didn't care anymore, it's up to me), he says he still doesn't have an opinion.  Then he tells me about how he's starting to think maybe we should hold off (without saying that directly).  He was saying how he's working hard to get this new schedule so we can spend more time together and get more time to go on vacations and have a life again, then we're going to get pregnant and not be able to do those things.  So I asked him if he wanted to put it off.  At this point, I really wouldn't be that upset.  I don't know if it would be a horrible thing...

I mean, it's not like we'd start preventing, we just wouldn't be trying.  Then after I brought up putting off starting a family, he backpedals and says it's not really that he wants to wait.  He keeps saying, "It's not supposed to be like this.  It's supposed to be sex, two weeks later your pregnant and everything goes fine."  I don't know what else to do to get through to him that life doesn't always go like it's "supposed to" and you can't sit here and dwell on it.  I get his concern, I get that he's bummed about it.  But seriously? What are you supposed to do?  I can sit here and pout about the idea that I can't get pregnant, or I can do something about it.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Huge Fight & A New Cycle

Hubby and I had it out.  Nothing that is break-up worthy, but a good, old-fashioned, get out all your frustration argument.  I was really depressed and moody last week.  The hormones were messing with my pretty bad.  I brought up something to Hubby about if we were going to the fertility clinic since it has been almost a full year since we started trying.  We were referred to a fertility specialist in December, but decided to hold off for financial reasons.  Well, when I brought it up, Hubby didn't like it.  Long story short, he thought the very first thing the fertility specialist would do is either IVF or IUI.  I had to explain to him that there were tests to be run and they'd want me to try different things first most likely.  I had to explain that clomid is usually the first course of treatment, not the shots and horrible hormones and such.

Hubby also revealed that he's scared about this whole being a father thing.  But the fears he has are completely normal.  I'd be worried if he didn't have them.  Like he's worried about if something happens to me after the baby is born (or during childbirth), or he's worried about what if something happens to him after I get pregnant.  So we hashed all that out, and I told him, you can't let your fear of that stop your life.  And he knows that.  I think he just feels better knowing I have those worries too, and I think he talked to a few friends that have kids, or their wives are pregnant now.  He also told me another fear, he knows it's completely irrational, but he can't stop thinking about it.  He thinks if he hadn't gone with me to the ultrasound, they would have told us everything was fine.  I had to remind him that if I had gone to that ultrasound by myself, I wouldn't of made it home.  He would of had to bring someone with him to come get me.  There's no way I would have been able to drive after hearing my baby was dead. 

But like I said, we hashed all that out, got it all out in the open, and we both feel better, I think.  And now we have a new cycle.  I have my yearly gyno appt on Thursday, and I'm going to ask if seeing a specialist is something they still think I should do, or even if they can give me the clomid and such (since I changed gyno's since last year).  My last gyno said I would be better going to a specialist, just because she didn't feel comfortable with knowing the dosage for clomid or even if that was the best option for us.  So I appreciated her honesty.  So I'll update again after the appt on Thursday when I hear what the Pro's think again.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Let the confusion continue

I hate this time of my cycle.  A few days before AF is scheduled, I always breakdown and take a HPT.  So this morning's one (a Target brand one, said to be more reliable than internet test cheapies), was negative.  So that, and the continual spotting which was a little heavier this morning, and the cramps that make me double over about every half hour, have convinced me I am not pregnant, that AF will be here right on time.  But the confusion I have is the spotting.  It's weird this time.  I spot in the morning.  I haven't had any at any other time during the day, for the last three days. 

So I have my yearly gyno exam next Thursday.  I'm going to talk with my midwife about what I can do.  I think I've maxed out everything I can do here by myself without medical intervention.  And Hubby has been adamant that we are not going to an RE until it has been 1 year from the m/c.  I just feel really stuck.  I have ovulated 5 or 6 times in 10 months.  That's not good odds for me.  Hubby just keeps saying this is a natural thing and we got pregnant once, we'll get pregnant again.  I don't think he realizes how much of a toll this takes on me every month.  And it wouldn't matter if I stopped temping, and using OPK's and everything else, I'd still be stressed, and it would still be this really shitty roller coaster ride that I just can't seem to get off of.  I've spent almost the whole day today in tears or on the verge of bawling.  I hate it. 

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Still in the pattern

At 9DPO, I am still in the pattern I talked about last time.  My temps keep alternating between 97.7 ish and 97.9 ish.  Not really sure what to think about it.  But Hubby says he thinks I'm pregnant again.  Which can be a good sign.  The last time he said that, he was right!  So time will tell.

I'm not going to tell him this, but I've been taking tests for 2 days now.  And I think I'll keep taking one each day until I get a BFP or I get AF.  LOL.  I had all this self restraint, until two days ago.  It all went out the door!  They are only the cheapy internet tests, so I don't feel so bad since they only cost like 20 cents a piece. 

I do have to say, I feel better after the last few days.  I joined a gym and have been working out.  I've been twice (I just joined 3 days ago).  But it feels good to get out of the house and just exercise a little.  It's my escape.  So hopefully I see a nice drop in weight this week.  By nice drop, I mean a lb or two.  I just want the number to stop going up!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

7DPO and weird charts

So I'm a little confused with my chart.  I have been taking my temp at least twice each morning since 3dpo.  It literally has been alternating each day between 97.9 and 97.7 ish.  It's weird how it's a very consistant pattern.  So I guess we'll see what it does tomorrow.  See if I get a 97.9-ish temp to keep with the pattern.

I'm noticing I've been very emotional for a few days now.  Like, I have been crying at the drop of a hat.  And Hubby and I have just been arguing like crazy.  He works long hours, and I know that's part of it.  He works 5 days one week, then 6 days the next.  So this being his 6 day week, it's been very stressful.  Sometimes I really wish he would find another job.  His shift is so hard on us both and even though we moved a lot closer to his work, it's still a 40-45 minute commute to him.  Not only that, he's been trying to get a better shift, but they keep giving him reasons, I say excuses, for why he can't transfer into that schedule.  And as far as I'm concerned, it's all stupid reasons.  If he got the 12 hour shift, his two week schedule would be work Monday, Tuesday, off Wednesday, Thursday, work Friday, Saturday, Sunday, off Monday, Tuesday, work Wednesday, Thursday, off Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  So he'd work 4 days one week and 3 the next.  It would just be SO wonderful for us.  It would mean more time together, he'd be able to help me out more around the house. 

I currently work from home.  That is another issue this week.  I feel like I'm not producing like I should be.  My job is based on numbers.  I guess without going into too much detail, I can be lumped into a Customer Service/Data Entry type job.  So basically I have a number of entries I have to hit each day.  And lately I haven't been able to do it.  There is give and take, and the work I do does take longer because I have contact with clients, but I just feel like I'm not working up to par.  And if you knew me, you'd know that's not acceptable.  I've always been a competitive person.  I want to know I'm one of the best workers, best atheletes, etc.  It's not to the point it interferes with relationships or anything, it just really makes me strive to do the best I can.  I don't have to be THE best, I just want to be ONE of the best.  I just feel like I've been falling behind lately.  And I always get paranoid that maybe my bosses are noticing and starting to look at me as if I'm no longer needed.  Especially in this economy where there are about 10 people ready and willing to take your job the minute you leave it.  I would love to find another job, because I feel like I'm bored with mine.  I have been told that because I work from home (which is a huge perk and I'm definitely not complaining about it), I cannot move up or take on more responsibility.  So essentially I've hit a ceiling, which means in a few years, I will stop getting raises.  I'm concerned for when we have a child with my job too, because I do work from home, so I wouldn't have to worry about paying daycare, but I have to work set hours.  I cannot just put in time whenever.  I have a 9 hour block that I have to work with a 1 hour lunch each day.  A lot of people think when I say I work from home that I can just sign in and work whenever I want to.  I wish.  It would make my life a whole lot easier. 

I guess long story short, there's just a lot going on, and I'm trying to process it all.  It's just not always helping.  I end up worrying more than I end up solving problems.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

5 DPO...

Now we wait.  I can't believe that I tell myself every TWW that I won't test until 12DPO at least, or that I won't even think about it until then.  I stared at my chart for long enough today that you'd think I was trying to change it with my mind.  Which is dumb too, since it doesn't predict pregnancy, it just tells me when my period is coming.  I've been dealing with some depression these last few weeks.  I am exactly 3 weeks away from officially TTC for a whole year.  And I would be 18 weeks pregnant if I hadn't miscarried.  I'm just having issues dealing with the whole thing.  I have to make my yearly gyno appt too, and I'm hoping I don't have to do it, like, hoping I'll be pregnant instead.  I need to just bite the bullet and do it instead of delaying it.  I'm also going to talk to my midwife about whether I should seek fertility treatments.  I mean, it's a weird situation to me.  I now know I can get pregnant, but is it going to take me another 8 months to do so?  I don't even know what to do or think.  I don't think Hubby realizes how hard this is for me.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't sit here and think about what if I was still pregnant.  And it's torture.  And my cycles are going back to how they were pre-pregnancy.  Immediately after the miscarriage, I ovulated on CD 24, this time, I didn't ovulate until CD 29.  So I had a 37 day cycle right after the miscarriage and now I'm tracking for a 43 day cycle.  I'm worried I'll have more annovulatory cycles if it keeps going. 

And on top of all that, I'm gaining weight.  I'm watching what I eat, but I'm still gaining weight.  To be honest, I put on about 10 lbs since the miscarriage, and it disgusts me.  I really don't know what to do.  I say I want to join a gym, Hubby puts me down by saying if I get a membership, I had better go, no excuses.  But I bet you, if I get a membership and I start going 4 or 5 times a week, he'll complain that he isn't seeing me enough.  Not to mention that we're really trying to pay off debt right now, so extra money is a rare thing.  Then Hubby says stuff like, "We have a dog, take her running."  I don't think he realizes that I'm not a runner, I hate running, I can't do it.  I get asthma attacks when I run.  He tells me I have to "work through it."  I just feel like sometimes, he's working against me.  I know if I bring up me getting a gym membership, it'll be an argument too. 

I guess I'm just feeling kinda like a hamster on a wheel right now.  I can run as fast as possible, but I'm not going to get anywhere.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Frustration

I'm a little frustrated because I'm ovulating... and Hubby decided to stay up after a long shift, cut the grass in the ridiculous heat today and not get a nap or a shower.  It's sad that even dispite all that, since I'm ovulating, I'm ticked that he doesn't want to do anything tonight.  Guess I'll have to settle for some tomorrow... I was really hoping we'd be able to have sex each day and maximize our chances.  Basically, I'll be able to test right before Father's day... By my guess is that by then it'll be 12-14DPO.  Kinda stinks... last month I got my period right before Mother's Day, now if I get my next period it'll be right before Father's Day... Talk about a two month rollercoaster.  Guess all there is to do now is seduce Hubby to the best of my ability for the next few days at least, and then wait...

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

WTF?

So I had symptoms like I had ovulated the other day.... So today was going to be 5DPO.  Then I had two temp drops, yesterday and today, to just a smidge above the coverline... So then later today, I had a ton of EWCM.  So my crosshairs on Fertility Friend went down to dotted instead of solid... great.... So I took an OPK to make sure I wasn't ovulating late... I got a positive... So my crosshairs went away.  So now I'm concerned about our timing, since we haven't BD'd in a few days.  So if I O tonight or tomorrow, we're not going to have all that great of timing... I'm just frustrated... kinda wish my body would get it together! LOL. 

On a better note, I'm half way done the baby blanket I'm making for a friend.  I'm debating about putting some of the squares together, just to get an idea of how big it will be and how well they'll stay together.  I'm really worried that I'll get all of these done, then they won't look right together...