My weight loss journey

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Thursday, June 10, 2010

5 DPO...

Now we wait.  I can't believe that I tell myself every TWW that I won't test until 12DPO at least, or that I won't even think about it until then.  I stared at my chart for long enough today that you'd think I was trying to change it with my mind.  Which is dumb too, since it doesn't predict pregnancy, it just tells me when my period is coming.  I've been dealing with some depression these last few weeks.  I am exactly 3 weeks away from officially TTC for a whole year.  And I would be 18 weeks pregnant if I hadn't miscarried.  I'm just having issues dealing with the whole thing.  I have to make my yearly gyno appt too, and I'm hoping I don't have to do it, like, hoping I'll be pregnant instead.  I need to just bite the bullet and do it instead of delaying it.  I'm also going to talk to my midwife about whether I should seek fertility treatments.  I mean, it's a weird situation to me.  I now know I can get pregnant, but is it going to take me another 8 months to do so?  I don't even know what to do or think.  I don't think Hubby realizes how hard this is for me.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't sit here and think about what if I was still pregnant.  And it's torture.  And my cycles are going back to how they were pre-pregnancy.  Immediately after the miscarriage, I ovulated on CD 24, this time, I didn't ovulate until CD 29.  So I had a 37 day cycle right after the miscarriage and now I'm tracking for a 43 day cycle.  I'm worried I'll have more annovulatory cycles if it keeps going. 

And on top of all that, I'm gaining weight.  I'm watching what I eat, but I'm still gaining weight.  To be honest, I put on about 10 lbs since the miscarriage, and it disgusts me.  I really don't know what to do.  I say I want to join a gym, Hubby puts me down by saying if I get a membership, I had better go, no excuses.  But I bet you, if I get a membership and I start going 4 or 5 times a week, he'll complain that he isn't seeing me enough.  Not to mention that we're really trying to pay off debt right now, so extra money is a rare thing.  Then Hubby says stuff like, "We have a dog, take her running."  I don't think he realizes that I'm not a runner, I hate running, I can't do it.  I get asthma attacks when I run.  He tells me I have to "work through it."  I just feel like sometimes, he's working against me.  I know if I bring up me getting a gym membership, it'll be an argument too. 

I guess I'm just feeling kinda like a hamster on a wheel right now.  I can run as fast as possible, but I'm not going to get anywhere.

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