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Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I went to the fertility clinic today.

So I went and talked with the fertility doctor.  They confirmed that the best course of treatment is Clomid.  They'd be ready to start me on 50mg next cycle.  I found out how much work is involved in taking it.  Basically I'd have to call them on CD 1, tell them I'm coming in for bloodwork and an ultrasound on CD 3.  They'll call me later that day and let me know the results, whether I can take the clomid on CD 5-9.  If they tell me I can't, that means there's some other issue that needs to be addressed as to why I cannot get pregnant.  If they tell me I can, then I do.  On CD 12 I'd have to go in for an ultrasound and bloodwork.  Depending on how big the eggs are, they'll do the bloodtest and see what my LH level is.  If it's above 30, then that means I'm going to ovulate and Hubby and I need to get it on.  If the LH isn't above 30, then I have to go back everyday until it is.  If it doesn't go above 30 on it's own, I'd have to take a shot of HCG, then go have sex. 

Hubby has decided he's not on board with this.  I don't know why exactly.  The only thing I can think of is it's too clinical for him.  Whenever this comes up, he keeps saying there's no romance to it.... Well no, after a year of trying, the romance of the idea is kinda gone.  Not only that, he keeps saying it should be "fun."  I stopped having "fun" after the miscarriage a few months ago.  This is not fun for me, taking OPK's and temping every morning is not "fun."  But I have to keep doing it, otherwise I don't know when my period is, or when I'm ovulating or when to test or anything.  So basically I feel like everytime he says that he's not on board with just getting treatment, I'm still in this prison.  Everything I do everyday revolves around where I am in my cycle, if I could be pregnant, or ovulating, or if my period is coming.  Yes, it's supposed to be easier, and yes it's supposed to be this fun thing that once you say you want kids, it just happens for you.  But it's not happening that way.  So I can either sit here and just wait and keep going how I'm going, keep temping every morning, holding my pee for 4 hours for days on end waiting for a positive OPK, getting excited everytime I see my temps stay up for more than 12 days, then feel like dying inside when they drop on 13 DPO.  Or I can go to a clinic and get help.  Gee, I guess Hubby chooses the first option, and I don't have a choice. 

The thing that pisses me off the most, I told him the doctor told me there's nothing "wrong."  I'm just not ovulating as often as most women do.  So that's why clomid would be good for me, more chances to get pregnant.  Well, Hubby took that as, there's nothing wrong, no need to go get treatment.  Treatment is a "last resort."  I seriously want to scream.  But I know how it's going to go, he's going to get mad and we'll yell it out... then he'll say if you really want to go, go.  But I want him to support me.  I don't want to have to scream at him and cry and make him feel bad to get him to come around to my point of view.  He wrote an email to me the other day saying, "Once you're pregnant, I'm your man, 100%.  I'll go get you ice cream at 2am, anything you need."  Why does it take me getting pregnant for that?  And I'm not even asking him to do anything.  I'm the one who is going to be poked and proded.  Not him.... his only responsibility in this is the give a sperm sample for analysis, get a blood test done, then have sex when the time comes.  What is so hard about that?  Seriously?  I would think this would be MY decision, not his.  I'm the one who's life has been completely lost in this whole process.  I mean, I don't drink on certain weeks, cuz I may be pregnant by then, I don't use certain products, I don't eat certain foods, I don't take certain meds.   I just really wish he'd see this from my point of view.  It sounded so nice today when the doctor told me if I started with clomid and all, no more temping, no more OPK's, no more HPT's.  I can't tell you how wonderful that sounds.  But, since Hubby isn't on board, guess I have to keep going.  Nothing else to do....  He's not going to come around.

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