My weight loss journey

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Tuesday, August 17, 2010

New Day, new cycle....

So things have changed quite a bit today.  Last night I sent Hubby an email saying I needed to know if he would be supportive if I went and started fertility treatment this cycle.  I was upset when I wrote it, I knew my period was going to start today.  He didn't take it the way I wrote it, and it turned into a huge argument.  Basically he said if I was going to be deceptive and go behind his back to get pregnant, we weren't going to make it in our marriage.  I was irate when I read it.  He accused me of being deceptive, calling him names, and not caring about his feelings.  We've always been proud of the fact that at least when we argue, we fight fair.  And what he wrote to me definitely wasn't fair.  Even though he was here and I could have just talked to him, I wrote him back.  I was so upset and mad that I couldn't stop crying.  I knew if I tried to just talk with him, I wouldn't get everything out that needed to be said.  I wrote that I would NOT stand for him to say things like "if (I'm) going to start pulling this shit then we won't make it past our 2 or 3 year anniversary."  If that is the way he really felt, we'd pack up all our shit, divide it in half, sell the house and go our seperate ways.  I fight fair, and I will not let anyone, especially him, talk to me like that, or threaten me with that.  The minute he woke up, he told me he felt sick as soon as he sent it.  He knew he shouldn't have written it, that felt horrible.  Needless to say we had a good talk.  We're just both so stressed about this whole situation. 

In between the accusations, I did manage to find his reasons why he has been hesitant about going to the clinic for treatment.  He said that we just have all this stuff planned out for the next 6 months or so.  I mean, if all goes according to plan, we're going to be credit card and loan free (excluding our car and house loans), we're going to be done a lot of the projects that are going to make this house a LOT better.  We also recently got season tickets to the Ravens and he's really worried that if we get pregnant, I'll end up really sick and won't be able to do any of those things, or won't be able to work and it will derail all of our plans.  When he actually explained it, I understand that.  He never said these things when we talked before, it was just him demanding that he wasn't ready but not really giving me reasons or justification. 

So we've decided we're just going to keep trying naturally.  We're not going to force ovulation with treatment, at least not right now.  If we get pregnant on our own and that derails our savings plan, that's ok.  I've decided I'm done temping and all that.  Hubby actually encouraged me to keep using OPK's.  He said he thinks I know enough about my cycles to know when I may be ovulating.  He even said he knows how important it is to me, and it's just as important to him, that he wouldn't be upset if I tell him I'm ovulating.  So we definitely made some progress today.  I'm very happy that I'm not going to temp anymore.  I'll be able to sleep in with no interuptions, not worry when we travel, not sit here staring at the damn chart wondering if I ovulated yet or if my temps are high enough for me to be pregnant.  I think I just need a break. 

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