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Tuesday, September 28, 2010

It has been a while...

So it's been two weeks since my last post.  With my dad being sick and having the false positive, I just didn't have the mindframe or the heart to write a whole lot these last few weeks. 

But with that being said, I am hoping I ovulated in the last few days.  I don't know if I did or not though.  I haven't been able to take an OPK since Friday.  I took one today, it was fairly dark, but not positive.  So I don't know if that meant I ovulated last night or if I am still waiting to ovulate.  Guess I just have to sit here and test again, then wait to see when all the signs go away.  So far, they're still here...

According to the charting website I'm using right now, if I got pregnant this cycle, the baby would have a birthday within days of Hubby's Momma.  For that matter, could be within days of my cousin or sis as well... End of June, beginning of July.  I hate to be this way, but I'm starting to think it's never going to happen.  It just seems like every month we have pretty good timing, and every month we get a negative... or now a false flipping positive.  Stupid crap.  Well, that's all the update I have for now. 

I honestly never thought I'd ever say we've been trying to conceive for 15 months... but here we are.  It's a milestone I wouldn't wish on anyone... that's for sure.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Well, guess I'm one in a million

I got a false positive.  Took the home test, got a positive.... Went for the blood test later that day, got a negative.  To be honest, I thought they were going to tell me it's positive, then today when I went back, they were going to tell me it was a chem pregnancy.  Guess not.  False positives suck!

Hubby was pretty upset though.  Even though I tried to warn him when I told him I got a positive.  I told him blatently, don't get too excited, I'm bleeding, and it won't be good news from the doctor.  He kinda hit that wall that I hit a few months ago.  He started saying how he's worried something is wrong with me or with him, that there's some reason why we can't get pregnant again.  He said he thinks it's a side effect from being on BC for so long.  I told him I didn't think that was it.  So after some time, we talked about it again, and I think he's kinda back to normal.  I told him we can get the fertility testing done without actually taking clomid, or doing anything else.  So he said he'd think about it.  I can't do mine until next cycle anyway, so we have time.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Ambiguity

So I woke up this morning and took a cheapie internet test that I had.  I was staring at it about a minute into it, and figured I saw a faint line, but it was my imagination.  Like I just wanted to see it so bad that I was tricking myself into thinking it was there.  Something made me stop though.  I held onto it, and looked at it in the natural light.  I saw a line.  A very thin, faint pinkish-purple line.  I want to be excited, but I'm scared at the same time.  Could it be an evap line? I thought those only happened after the test dries... Then I was thinking my mind was playing tricks on me again.  But the long I let it sit, the darker it got... still faint, but more noticeable.  So I waited a while... contemplated more... got absolutely nothing done at work this morning because of this... When I woke Hubby up just a little while ago, I let him in on the conundrum.  He just said not to stress, call the doc and get a blood test.  So that's what I did.  I have to go later today for a blood test, then go back again on Friday so they'll have something to compare.  But I should get some news at some point tomorrow with whether or not there was any hcg in my test. So I guess that's better than nothing. 

The reason I'm not bouncy off the walls excited, is because I'm also spotting/bleeding.  So I just keep thinking if I am pregnant, I'm having flashbacks to 6 months ago when I found out I was pregnant, then bled, then m/c.  So now we wait.  I should have some results of the blood test tomorrow, so I'll post again then.  I have one more Internet test upstairs, who knows... if I feel like it tomorrow morning, I may just take it too.  Just to be compulsively masochistic, like usual when it comes to TTC....

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I'm a bad blogger...

Not that I really think anyone reads this (I say this because I just do this for the therapeutic value, I haven't given this out to any friends except on my siggy), but I am getting bad at this... It's been 10 days since my last post.  I think I had good reason though.  It's been a really rough week.  A week ago we found out for sure that my Dad's pancreatic cancer was back and had spread.  It's been a really rough week.  With the way my mom and sis were talking, he had a matter of days.  I felt horrible about not being able to get up there to see him until this past weekend.  I finally broke down and asked my brother how bad off Dad really was.  He told me it's just that he's in a lot of pain.  That's what is making my mom and sis talk like this.  He's miserable.  Thank goodness for medical marijuana, my dad was given new pain bills that have some form of pot in them and it seems to be working.  It's at least taking the edge off.  Which is enough for him to feel like eating and getting some sleep at nights finally.  He has his first Chemo treatment tomorrow.  I think I've convinced them to come down to a hospital by me that is making huge strides in cancer treatments.  It's not that I don't trust his current doc, or hospital, it's just, this hospital is a lot bigger, and being a research hospital, and one of the best in the country, they have a lot more resources available to them that the small county hospital back home just doesn't.  So time will tell to see if they come down and check it out.

That being said, today is 13dpo.  I've had spotting for 2 days and 2 negative preggo tests over the weekend, so I'm going to say I'm out this month.  But then again, I don't have any cramps, so I'm gearing up for tomorrow to be hell-atious.  I usually get cramps for a few days, and they aren't as bad because they are spaced out.  But I have no even had a twinge.  Makes me worry and know that tomorrow, I'm just going to carry that Midol bottle everywhere I go.  And the eternal optimist in me feels like adding that I have one of the Clear blue easy early detection digital tests, so if AF doesn't show by about 3pm tomorrow, I'll probably test.  But again, pretty sure I'm going to get hit first thing in the morning. 

I have seen a few signs, like the blue veins popping out all over, sore bbs, etc, but I'm just not getting my hopes up... I've seen these things so many times and it's always AF, not BFP.... not to mention, I've been spotting, which is how my last pregnancy went.... since it ended in m/c that doesn't make me feel any better to have this spotting.  So it's a catch 22, I'd love to be pregnant this cycle, I think my family could use some good news, but at the same time, if I was, I'd be a complete wreck until the spotting stopped and I heard the heartbeat at least twice.  Which wouldn't happen for weeks... just what I need in my life, more stress!  So I'm just going to go with the negativity and expect to see that biotch tomorrow morning. 

Friday, September 3, 2010

What I think is 3DPO and heartbreak

So I mentioned this before, my father had pancreatic cancer last year.  He had a whipple procedure, chemo and radiation, and they told us it was all gone.  He found out the other day that that doctors think it's back.  I feel like someone has ripped out my heart, or that I've been hit by a truck.  They did some tests, and he's supposed to find out on Tuesday.  I'm really praying that it's negative.  After talking to him on the phone the other day, it sounds like he isn't going to try to go through with treatment again... Like he's given up already.  I have been crying for the past two days. 

After all that... I think I'm 3dpo.  I got a pretty damn close to positive test, if not positive, on Aug 31st, then a completely negative test, like just about no line at all.  So I'm going to say that I O'd on Tuesday.  I've been feeling so much like hell with everything else going on, that I don't even care to be honest.  I just feel like I'm going to lose my mind.  I can't lose my Dad.  I can't even fathom it.