My weight loss journey

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Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I'm a bad blogger...

Not that I really think anyone reads this (I say this because I just do this for the therapeutic value, I haven't given this out to any friends except on my siggy), but I am getting bad at this... It's been 10 days since my last post.  I think I had good reason though.  It's been a really rough week.  A week ago we found out for sure that my Dad's pancreatic cancer was back and had spread.  It's been a really rough week.  With the way my mom and sis were talking, he had a matter of days.  I felt horrible about not being able to get up there to see him until this past weekend.  I finally broke down and asked my brother how bad off Dad really was.  He told me it's just that he's in a lot of pain.  That's what is making my mom and sis talk like this.  He's miserable.  Thank goodness for medical marijuana, my dad was given new pain bills that have some form of pot in them and it seems to be working.  It's at least taking the edge off.  Which is enough for him to feel like eating and getting some sleep at nights finally.  He has his first Chemo treatment tomorrow.  I think I've convinced them to come down to a hospital by me that is making huge strides in cancer treatments.  It's not that I don't trust his current doc, or hospital, it's just, this hospital is a lot bigger, and being a research hospital, and one of the best in the country, they have a lot more resources available to them that the small county hospital back home just doesn't.  So time will tell to see if they come down and check it out.

That being said, today is 13dpo.  I've had spotting for 2 days and 2 negative preggo tests over the weekend, so I'm going to say I'm out this month.  But then again, I don't have any cramps, so I'm gearing up for tomorrow to be hell-atious.  I usually get cramps for a few days, and they aren't as bad because they are spaced out.  But I have no even had a twinge.  Makes me worry and know that tomorrow, I'm just going to carry that Midol bottle everywhere I go.  And the eternal optimist in me feels like adding that I have one of the Clear blue easy early detection digital tests, so if AF doesn't show by about 3pm tomorrow, I'll probably test.  But again, pretty sure I'm going to get hit first thing in the morning. 

I have seen a few signs, like the blue veins popping out all over, sore bbs, etc, but I'm just not getting my hopes up... I've seen these things so many times and it's always AF, not BFP.... not to mention, I've been spotting, which is how my last pregnancy went.... since it ended in m/c that doesn't make me feel any better to have this spotting.  So it's a catch 22, I'd love to be pregnant this cycle, I think my family could use some good news, but at the same time, if I was, I'd be a complete wreck until the spotting stopped and I heard the heartbeat at least twice.  Which wouldn't happen for weeks... just what I need in my life, more stress!  So I'm just going to go with the negativity and expect to see that biotch tomorrow morning. 

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