My weight loss journey

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Monday, October 25, 2010

This is post 101 for me. And it's long

So I've been blogging now for almost 11 months.  I'm at post 101.  I know recently my posts haven't been all the same... we're trying we're trying, we're waiting and waiting, and then negative.  Blah.  As much as I'm tired of typing it, it's what's going on. 

So I'm on CD 11, waiting to O.  I started testing yesterday because I've been getting my first +OPK between like day 14 and 17.  So I don't want to miss it. 

I don't know how much more of this I can do... It's been about 16 months since we started this journey and I'm just worn out.  Emotionally and physically, I'm just tired of the whole thing.  And now my worries are turning to if we don't get pregnant on our own and end up seeking treatment.  I mean, I was told before that we were the ideal candidates for Clomid because my cycles were so long.  They were telling me that the reason we weren't getting pregnant within the time frame is because we weren't having 12 cycles in the 12 months they recommend.  Like I said, we've been trying for 16 months and this is the 12th cycle.  Granted I got pregnant but miscarried.  But when I think of going for treatment, I wonder if they'll still recommend Clomid.  Because my cycles have been about 30 days each the last 4 cycles.  I'm worried they'll say we have to do IUI or IVF or something and Hubby will not be ok with it.  I just feel like I'm fighting a losing battle on all fronts.  I just want to get pregnant.  I'm ready to do what it takes.  I know it's only going to get harder once we start treatment, but I'm ready to sacrafice what I need to so I can be pregnant.  Hubby is still in that phase where he wants us to get pregnant as much as I do, but mentally he's still thinking maybe we're doing something wrong.  Sometimes I'm not sure why he's so hesitant.  I get that it's a huge undertaking.  And I know what his fears are.  He's worried I won't be able to work, and that's a loss of an income while we're still paying stuff off.  I try to tell him, the worst that's going to happen is they're goin to put me on hospital bedrest.  Which is not probable, but if it happened, I work from home on a computer now.  I'm going to be able to work as long as I can get an internet connection.  I understand why he's scared, and I understand how big of a decision this is.  But at the same time, if I was just as scared as he is about every big decision, we wouldn't have a house, he wouldn't have his job (I pushed and pushed and finally posted his resume for him on a job search site), and we'd still be living up home in a 1 bedroom apartment.  And it's a family trait or something... his whole family freaks out when they have to make a big decision.  I seriously think they put off making decisions until someone else does it for them or they only have one option.  I don't want to push Hubby on this one quite yet though.  We have been doing really good lately, no fighting, no arguing, and I know this is an automatic fight.  I'm holding off until January.  If we're not pregnant by then, we're going.  Whether he wants to or not.  There's going to be no more waiting if we hit that point.  That'll be about 18 months of trying.  It's just been too long.  I have a bad feeling something is wrong with one of us and we're just delaying the inevitable.  I hate to be that negative, but this late in the game, I don't have a whole lot of optimism left. 

And then to add to the stress and emotional roller coaster, my Dad has gotten to the point where he wants to talk to everyone about what our responsibilities are and what his wishes are for when he passes.  I mean, he has pancreatic cancer and this is a relapse.  So I know we're on borrowed time.  And that's probably why I feel even more of an urge to get pregnant.  I want my Dad to at least see one of his grandbabies.  I can't put into words how much it would hurt if he passes away before being a grandfather.  My Dad is one of those guys who is all about kids.  I keep thinking of him with family friends' babies.  He's the one that the minute he gets there, he takes the baby and you don't get the kid away from him until he's ready to leave.  And the baby is happy the whole time.  It physically hurts to think he may be gone before I have a child.   

On a lighter note, our friends welcomed their little boy into the world last Friday at 4:32 am.  He was 7lbs 4 oz I think.  He's absolutely adorable and I can't wait until later this week when we're going to go over and see them.  It's nice to see the group of friends all kinda growing up.  :)  Our other friends are due in about a week.  I'm so excited for them too! Another little boy! That's three baby boys in the group and no baby girls!  Very crazy. 

I guess on that note... this post is over... Things gotta start looking up soon.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Hubby has a hunch...

So our friends are pregnant, there's two couples.  The one was due yesterday.  It's their first baby, so she hasn't gone into labor yet.  Hubby took this friend out for drinks last night, kinda as a last night out before the baby is born.  He told Hubby that they are planning to induce his wife on Thursday if she doesn't go into labor before then.  I am so excited for them!  But drinking buddy put an idea in Hubby's head... He thinks his wife isn't as far along as the doc says.  I tried explaining to Hubby that doctors are pretty accurate about this stuff.  They use a lot of tools to get a good idea of the ovulation/conception and due dates.  So Hubby has decided that even though I had a period just a few days ago, that I'm pregnant.  I took a test this morning to make sure he's on the same page as I am... the neggo preggo page. 

Outside of that, not a whole lot going on.  I have the rest of the week off work, and I am so happy!  I just need a break!  So tomorrow is a relaxation day and then Friday Hubby and I are going to a concert for one of my favorite artists!  Then we have a whole weekend of fun going on.  Saturday I'm dress shopping with one of my best friends for her wedding dress, then meeting up with Hubby at our brewery back home.  It's not ours, it's just our place.  It's one of the first restaurants that we just both loved and we used to go there all the time.  We even had our rehearsal dinner there!  Then Sunday I have a different friend coming down to visit and we're going to the Ravens game together.  Should be a complete blast!  I cannot wait!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Obvious with no posts yet

So without me posting with huge capital letters, it's easy to assume I got my period... which I did... today is CD 3.  Sucks.  I was really hoping last cycle was it.  But the good news, if my cycles stay consistant, like they have been for a few months, I'll ovulate around the first weekend in November, which would put my due date right around our 2 year anniversary.  So that would be kinda cool.  I don't really have anything else to report on... 

I really can't believe it's to what would have been my due date if I hadn't miscarried.  I'd be 37 weeks right now.  I don't even want to think about that day.  I'm going to be a wreck.  I'm really trying to not let myself get to that point.  I know most of my friends and Hubby are tired of hearing about it.  It's just something that takes over your thoughts.  I really feel like my life has been hijacked.  It's not like it affects everyday stuff, but everytime I see someone who's about ready to pop, I just can't help thinking I was supposed to be there.  Everytime I see baby clothes or nursery items, I can't help thinking how I should have been shopping for those things and getting all that ready by now.  Like I said, it's not everyday... but when it does happen, it makes me feel just like I did when they told me I was going to miscarry.  Like a bus just hit me all over again.  I get a variation of that feeling everytime I see a negative pregnancy test, or spotting a few days before my period.  I just never thought it would be like this.  And I wouldn't wish it on anyone... ever.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Now at 10dpo it's harder

It's so hard to wait to test!  Today is 10DPO and I am losing my will power, as I do every cycle.  I am trying really hard not to test tomorrow morning.  I've admitted to Hubby that my resolve is dissolving!  I'm actually kinda hoping he tells me to test tomorrow... just because he's usually the one who is mad at me if I test before my period.  So if he tells me to test, I think it'll be a good thing, cuz he told me yesterday he thinks we got it this time.  We'll see in the next couple days I guess. 

I had some spotting today, but it wasn't even spotting... it was just the slightest tinge of color in my CM.  Plus I've been having some soreness in my boobs too.  Today I've been having some bloating/uncomfortableness in my lower abdomen, but nothing that feels like AF is coming.  I have had sore boobs every cycle ever since the m/c though, so I'm really trying not to look too far into it.  I'm really hoping I can hold out and test on Thursday at the earliest, but I guess we'll see!  I'm horrible at this!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Ah, 8 DPO

Ah, it's Sunday, we're watching football and had chinese food for lunch.  Very good day.  Actually a very good weekend.  We had friends and family over yesterday for a BBQ, played backyard redneck games, and drank.  It was some fun.  We got a new game, KanJam.  It is a lot of fun.  Basically imagine throwing a frisbee into a trashcan. LOL.  You have a partner, you throw the frisbee and try to get it close to the bucket, your partner can bat the frisbee either in the can, at the can, etc.  It's a lot of fun. 

So, I'm on CD 26, 8 DPO.  It's not so bad yet... I've been trying to focus on anything but when I'm going to test.  I think I'll test on Saturday if I have no AF signs.  I know earlier I said I wasn't testing until the 20th, but that's like 4 days late, so I'm not waiting that long. LOL.  I have no will power for that. 

I'm glad, I have this Thursday off work.  Hubby and I are going to do some work around the house, finish some projects that we started a while back.  I'm hoping we have good weather.  I want to get our front door finished.  I started stripping the paint, and Hubby said if I did the main panels of the door (I used an angle grinder) he would use the paint stripper on the recessed panels (since they have routing details).  So we'll see.  I'm concerned about if I am pregnant and don't test, using paint stripper.  It's pretty bad just for anyone, I used it a while back and had some pretty bad respitory issues, just because it's pretty caustic.  The fumes are nasty!  So I really don't want to be around them if I may be pregnant.  Maybe if Hubby wants me to use that, I'm testing that morning.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Rough Week

Nothing new on the fertility front... just that it's 3DPO and obviously way to early for anything.  LOL

I've been so tired of work for so long now.  I'm very bored with it.  Not with working in general, I think I'd go crazy if I didn't have something to do all day.  But with my job, I've been doing the exact same thing every day for 3 years now.  I'll put it this way.  I process documents, basically it's data entry.  I look at a document, pull out specific info, and enter it into our system, then forward it on.  Sounds exciting right?  Imagine doing that 100 times each day... now imagine doing that for 3 years... that's right, I've processed an average of about 78k documents since I started.  To be completely honest, it got boring around document 5000, but I still thought I had a snowball's chance in hell of moving up in the company.  Now I know better.  It has seriously gotten to the point that I don't even want to get out of bed in the mornings to work.  For those who don't know, I work from home.  Don't get me wrong, there are perks... but imagine being stuck at home, all day, with no human interaction unless it occurs through a phone or the internet.  And I don't have one of those fun jobs where I can work whatever hours I want as long as I get 40 hours a week or anything... My job requires me to work from 9am to 6pm each day.  At this point, I'd go back to working at Walmart, just to get out of the house.  If I wasn't worried about not being able to find another job, I'd start looking.  Plus Hubby and I are on track to be credit card debt free in about 5 months.  So I'm really trying to stick it out until at least then.  If I can make it that long, I can get a job that doesn't pay as much but gets me out of the house.

I had a professor in college who used to say, "If you aren't happy doing what you're doing... Stop doing it."  He used to tell us why would you keep going to a job if on your way there, you had that dreadful feeling in the pit of your stomach, or you feel like there's a weight on your chest?  I can honestly say I know what the heck he was talking about now... but the only problem is, I work at home, so I have that feeling every time I sit down at my computer now.  I've stopped talking on message boards, I've just about stopped using facebook.  I hate checking email.  I'm on the computer all day everyday for work, and I can't stand to sit here the rest of the night after I'm finally done work.

I just really wish that Hubby could get Dayshift and I could get a better job for me.  I mean, I don't even really need to feel challenged; I just want to do something that is at least a little different every now and then.  I hate monotony...

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Little late, but it clears up confusion!

So I got my first positive OPK this month on Friday.  I got another positive yesterday.  I know you aren't supposed to take them after you get a positive, but I just do so I can pinpoint my ovulation since I'm not temping.  So I'll take another one today, and hopefully get another positive, just because it'll give us more time to "try to make babies" as Hubby called it the other day in an email... I laughed when I read it.  I'm just glad that I kept taking them and got a positive.  To be honest, Friday was going to be the last day I took it if I didn't get a positive.  I jsut wasn't feeling it anymore.  I get slight cramping, and I don't know how to describe it except I get hyper-sensitive (not emotionally) about everything, every tinge, every feeling.  It's weird. 

Well... now that it's taken me like 4 hours to write this post (I got lost in the football games...), I took another OPK for today, negative.  So I guess that means I most likely will either ovulate last night or today sometime.  So I guess I got one more "trying to make babies" time, then it's just for fun. :P