My weight loss journey

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Monday, October 25, 2010

This is post 101 for me. And it's long

So I've been blogging now for almost 11 months.  I'm at post 101.  I know recently my posts haven't been all the same... we're trying we're trying, we're waiting and waiting, and then negative.  Blah.  As much as I'm tired of typing it, it's what's going on. 

So I'm on CD 11, waiting to O.  I started testing yesterday because I've been getting my first +OPK between like day 14 and 17.  So I don't want to miss it. 

I don't know how much more of this I can do... It's been about 16 months since we started this journey and I'm just worn out.  Emotionally and physically, I'm just tired of the whole thing.  And now my worries are turning to if we don't get pregnant on our own and end up seeking treatment.  I mean, I was told before that we were the ideal candidates for Clomid because my cycles were so long.  They were telling me that the reason we weren't getting pregnant within the time frame is because we weren't having 12 cycles in the 12 months they recommend.  Like I said, we've been trying for 16 months and this is the 12th cycle.  Granted I got pregnant but miscarried.  But when I think of going for treatment, I wonder if they'll still recommend Clomid.  Because my cycles have been about 30 days each the last 4 cycles.  I'm worried they'll say we have to do IUI or IVF or something and Hubby will not be ok with it.  I just feel like I'm fighting a losing battle on all fronts.  I just want to get pregnant.  I'm ready to do what it takes.  I know it's only going to get harder once we start treatment, but I'm ready to sacrafice what I need to so I can be pregnant.  Hubby is still in that phase where he wants us to get pregnant as much as I do, but mentally he's still thinking maybe we're doing something wrong.  Sometimes I'm not sure why he's so hesitant.  I get that it's a huge undertaking.  And I know what his fears are.  He's worried I won't be able to work, and that's a loss of an income while we're still paying stuff off.  I try to tell him, the worst that's going to happen is they're goin to put me on hospital bedrest.  Which is not probable, but if it happened, I work from home on a computer now.  I'm going to be able to work as long as I can get an internet connection.  I understand why he's scared, and I understand how big of a decision this is.  But at the same time, if I was just as scared as he is about every big decision, we wouldn't have a house, he wouldn't have his job (I pushed and pushed and finally posted his resume for him on a job search site), and we'd still be living up home in a 1 bedroom apartment.  And it's a family trait or something... his whole family freaks out when they have to make a big decision.  I seriously think they put off making decisions until someone else does it for them or they only have one option.  I don't want to push Hubby on this one quite yet though.  We have been doing really good lately, no fighting, no arguing, and I know this is an automatic fight.  I'm holding off until January.  If we're not pregnant by then, we're going.  Whether he wants to or not.  There's going to be no more waiting if we hit that point.  That'll be about 18 months of trying.  It's just been too long.  I have a bad feeling something is wrong with one of us and we're just delaying the inevitable.  I hate to be that negative, but this late in the game, I don't have a whole lot of optimism left. 

And then to add to the stress and emotional roller coaster, my Dad has gotten to the point where he wants to talk to everyone about what our responsibilities are and what his wishes are for when he passes.  I mean, he has pancreatic cancer and this is a relapse.  So I know we're on borrowed time.  And that's probably why I feel even more of an urge to get pregnant.  I want my Dad to at least see one of his grandbabies.  I can't put into words how much it would hurt if he passes away before being a grandfather.  My Dad is one of those guys who is all about kids.  I keep thinking of him with family friends' babies.  He's the one that the minute he gets there, he takes the baby and you don't get the kid away from him until he's ready to leave.  And the baby is happy the whole time.  It physically hurts to think he may be gone before I have a child.   

On a lighter note, our friends welcomed their little boy into the world last Friday at 4:32 am.  He was 7lbs 4 oz I think.  He's absolutely adorable and I can't wait until later this week when we're going to go over and see them.  It's nice to see the group of friends all kinda growing up.  :)  Our other friends are due in about a week.  I'm so excited for them too! Another little boy! That's three baby boys in the group and no baby girls!  Very crazy. 

I guess on that note... this post is over... Things gotta start looking up soon.

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